SURVIVAL STRATEGIES FOR THIS TRAUMATIC HOLIDAY SEASON - PART 1

Don't you just love this time of year? No? Me neither! 

Many of you fare much better bent over Santa's knee, but for people like me, this season of peace and goodwill is like we're the protagonists in the survival horror video game Resident Evil: The North Pole Chronicles; set in a mansion full of creepy, grinning and singing characters wearing pointy red hats who cannot be reasoned with and will inflict harm to maintain their Christmas cheer, casual racism and misogyny. And the adults are much, much worse.

Clearly I'm not the only one who looks forward to this time of year about as much as they look forward to the 2016 season of The Next Celebrity Sex Monster reality TV show. The mountain of bland articles on how to survive the holiday season are jolting reminders to me that some people do really enjoy the holiday season and just like to read some vague motivational cliches to keep them going and forge ahead with all the environmentally-unsustainable meat preparation required and the elves on shelves to move around and teach children about the safety we enjoy in our modern surveillance state.

That has not been my experience unfortunately. I was born into a family with many similarities to a cult; scoring about seven out of ten in typical cult checklists. Many families operate this way and it appears to be part of our evolutionary programming. Be thankful that your ancestors very likely engaged in extremist cult-like activities to ensure they survived while the tribes around them did not. Fortunately, this is no longer how we are expected to behave and I certainly don't want to be a member of any cult; except for Lady Gaga's Little Monsters obviously.

After many trauma tears have been shed, I can now mostly shield myself from the cult except for during this time of year. I am very concerned over what the leader might do to me and my wife if we don't participate in at least some of the Christmas functions. And we must try our hardest to not be perceived to cause trouble. As is standard for cults, even mild challenges to the false facade of not being a cult and of a tight-knit group that all love and support each other is forbidden and breaches in such rules have disproportionately harsh consequences. I am a trouble-maker with a heart of black gold so your assessment may be that it would be better to stay away. And you may be right and I'm definitely crazy.

Despite all my concerns, we are going to join in on their Santanic rituals on Xmas day. At least my family are non-violent and will only inflict verbal pain. Their one bargaining chip that we care about is that they can partially block us from seeing the children. The kids are too young to make up their own minds about whether the family cult is the right fit for them, so we kind of feel it's our duty to show them that there are other gentler ways to maintain cohesion within a group. Mind you, they're smart kids, so will probably work it out for themselves anyway.

So is there any way that we can at least try to minimise the trauma that is likely to be inflicted on us? I have some ideas that I'm toying over that might help, could make no difference, or might even make things worse. We will keep experimenting. If you are in a similar predicament to me, then tell me what works for you and what failed miserably and I'll include the best and worst ideas in next year's Xmas survival guide. 

All the best this year with surviving the depriving.


See part 2 for strategies I'll be testing out this year.

17 COMMANDMENTS V1

This is a language Rorschach test.

You may project whatever ideology or group you dislike the most and 'believe' that they follow these types of rules. This could be your brain distorting the evidence to support your world-view by demonising the opposing world-view. This is often referred to as a straw man argument. 

Alternatively, If you think any of these commandments could be good for our society, please join my cult, send me money and I'll make it happen.

1 - The Founder is the Creator of The System and is the living embodiment of a prime citizen of the future Utopia. He is the only one that may need to disregard the commandments for the greater good at any time. He may also allow the middle leaders the same rights temporarily. The Founder always knows best. Any mistakes that he appears to make are not mistakes. They are designed to teach us valuable lessons. If he chooses to kill a follower, it is to teach us all about the preciousness of life.
2 - Everything we do is for The System to keep all followers happy and healthy
3 - Do not under any circumstances think for yourself or ingest any information that has not been certified as safe. It will erode society and the middle leaders will psychically punish you.

This is #23 on the banned list

4 - Accept everything that your middle leaders tell you without question or there will be 'consequences'
5 - Kill all academics and critical thinkers and anyone with an IQ above 100. The Flynn effect has caused a dangerous increase in IQ over time leading to great conflict.
6 - Kill all free thinkers and any others that cannot adapt to The System once it is determined that they cannot be re-educated
7 - Do not associate with anyone that does not worship The System. Doing so will lead to extended pain sessions. This is necessary to keep society homogeneous and flourishing.

8 - Fully support the invasion of other areas that do not follow The System. This is the only way they can learn how it leads to maximum happiness for all.
9 - If you are experiencing doubt, report immediately to a re-education facility. If you see others expressing doubt, do the right thing and escort them by any means necessary.
10 - If disagreements arise between two followers about The Truth, then report immediately to a middle leader to get a ruling. The middle leaders ruling is final and any dissent cannot be tolerated.
11 - A homogenous society is a perfect society. All followers shall dress like the Founder including haircut. All followers are to speak and behave like the Founder at all times and perfectly copy his daily routine. There is no other way to remove conflict from society.

This is perfection!

12 - All followers are to attend daily group morning and evening worship
13 - Scientists have proven that any more than four hours of sleep a night will lead to mental illness. Sleep times are to be strictly between midnight and 4am from the age of thirteen.
14 - Pain sessions are to be administered by each follower on themselves for ten minutes before sleep from the age of six
15 - Each waking hour, every follower from the age of two must recite all of these commandments ten times. Failure to do so will allow dangerous thoughts to enter your mind.

16 - In the end there will be no devil-humans and all will follow The System. This will be the perfect society free from poverty, disease and death.
17 - The Founder and middle leaders are always watching you

Final challenge: Another test is to imagine yourself as belonging to the group you most despise, then thinking who they would project onto these commandments. This is extremely difficult to do, but 'moderates' tend to do a better job in my experience. If you are having trouble, just think about something obvious like Coke Zero vs Pepsi Max vs Red Bull extreme athletes or Reptilians vs Greys or the Venus project vs other Utopian fantasies.