SURVIVAL STRATEGIES FOR THIS TRAUMATIC HOLIDAY SEASON - PART 1

Don't you just love this time of year? No? Me neither! 

Many of you fare much better bent over Santa's knee, but for people like me, this season of peace and goodwill is like we're the protagonists in the survival horror video game Resident Evil: The North Pole Chronicles; set in a mansion full of creepy, grinning and singing characters wearing pointy red hats who cannot be reasoned with and will inflict harm to maintain their Christmas cheer, casual racism and misogyny. And the adults are much, much worse.

Clearly I'm not the only one who looks forward to this time of year about as much as they look forward to the 2016 season of The Next Celebrity Sex Monster reality TV show. The mountain of bland articles on how to survive the holiday season are jolting reminders to me that some people do really enjoy the holiday season and just like to read some vague motivational cliches to keep them going and forge ahead with all the environmentally-unsustainable meat preparation required and the elves on shelves to move around and teach children about the safety we enjoy in our modern surveillance state.

That has not been my experience unfortunately. I was born into a family with many similarities to a cult; scoring about seven out of ten in typical cult checklists. Many families operate this way and it appears to be part of our evolutionary programming. Be thankful that your ancestors very likely engaged in extremist cult-like activities to ensure they survived while the tribes around them did not. Fortunately, this is no longer how we are expected to behave and I certainly don't want to be a member of any cult; except for Lady Gaga's Little Monsters obviously.

After many trauma tears have been shed, I can now mostly shield myself from the cult except for during this time of year. I am very concerned over what the leader might do to me and my wife if we don't participate in at least some of the Christmas functions. And we must try our hardest to not be perceived to cause trouble. As is standard for cults, even mild challenges to the false facade of not being a cult and of a tight-knit group that all love and support each other is forbidden and breaches in such rules have disproportionately harsh consequences. I am a trouble-maker with a heart of black gold so your assessment may be that it would be better to stay away. And you may be right and I'm definitely crazy.

Despite all my concerns, we are going to join in on their Santanic rituals on Xmas day. At least my family are non-violent and will only inflict verbal pain. Their one bargaining chip that we care about is that they can partially block us from seeing the children. The kids are too young to make up their own minds about whether the family cult is the right fit for them, so we kind of feel it's our duty to show them that there are other gentler ways to maintain cohesion within a group. Mind you, they're smart kids, so will probably work it out for themselves anyway.

So is there any way that we can at least try to minimise the trauma that is likely to be inflicted on us? I have some ideas that I'm toying over that might help, could make no difference, or might even make things worse. We will keep experimenting. If you are in a similar predicament to me, then tell me what works for you and what failed miserably and I'll include the best and worst ideas in next year's Xmas survival guide. 

All the best this year with surviving the depriving.


See part 2 for strategies I'll be testing out this year.

CHRISTIAN EXTREMISM KILLS

A person suffering from Christian fundamentalist Jesus-splooging extremism added this comment to a post about the gay and lesbian Mardi Gras. It looks like he's trying to preach in the hope that someone will read it and be born-again. I don't think I've been demonising minorities enough recently, so I thought I'd take a look at what he had to say for some possible self-loathing left-handy-loving tips.

Sorry to spoil it, but his ideas interacted with my rational brain about as well as Negro-Neo-Nazis and Speedo-Emo-Neo-Hippies.

Jesus man-lover: "Christian God " Jesus " is the only living God that can give you eternal life."

My comment: So you are 100% certain that you picked the correct God and 100% certain that he/she/it/they can give you eternal life and there is absolutely no possible way that you could be mistaken or that the devil could have tricked you into picking the wrong God? I'm not even 100% certain that I love my wife 'Katy Perry' unconditionally...

Jesus man-lover: "You think God doesn't exist? Then ask yourself who created the Galaxy, stars, rocks and everything in and out of this world. It can't be there without someone creating it. There is a creator and that is God."

My comment: My opinion is that it looks like God is probably unnecessary so I am reasonably certain that he/she/it/they don't exist. But hey, nothing is 100% and you could be correct. If it helps you to cope with living in a universe with most likely no meaning, then why not?

The idea that an intelligence must have created the universe isn't too bad, but science is doing a pretty good job at explaining rocks. Even my 10 year old niece can explain rocks. She even taught me about a type of rock called clast, that I didn’t know about. If by stars you mean manufactured pop stars like Katie Underwood from Bardot, then absolutely they were created by the gods Jackie O, Chris Moss and Michael Napthali.

Jesus man-lover: “Ask urself did facebook exist on the Internet by itself without no one creating it. Without creating it there is nothing. That was just a simple example. Here's more.”

My comment: We all know the Facebook story that was told in the movie “The Social Contract”, where “A woman's dark and violent past catches up with her when she is forced to choose between her own salvation or keeping her family alive.”

The idea that something from nothing is not possible is the argument from first cause. Until we have a grand unified theory we don’t know about the very first moments of the Big Bang. It’s possible that it had no beginning, or was created from nothing, or was created by a super-genius meta-universal bunny rabbit called Mega-Bigwig who enjoys torturing my family members with their ‘addictions’.

Jesus man-lover: “ If the Big Bang really is two big planet hit each other and form this world( our planet Earth) then how can a living thing such as dinosaurs exist from it? How can birds form form it? Or water or food? “

My comment: Two big planets hit each other? Like Kirsten Dunst's boobs in Melancholia? I had no idea that Lars Van Twatter was showing us the creation of the universe when Dunst ran around without her grundies on.

The answer to every question is easy, God did it. Ignore all science-ish evidence to the contrary because God did it. Why are there annoying smugheads like me in the world? GOD DID IT!

Jesus man-lover: "If we humans are form from monkeys, where did the monkeys comes when all dinosaurs are extinct?"

My comment: Tree of Life is the answer. Watch Terrance Malick’s version; fall asleep; then understand.

Jesus man-lover: “How can a living thing form from rocks and dust etc from the Big Bang? If our planet was form from the Big Bang, did the other planets like Jupiter, Mars etc also created by Big Bang? Why not? And why is our earth the only planet form from the Big Bang and we can live inside and not other planets?”

My comment: Did you see the giant rock enemy in the famous episode of Tool Time with Tim Taylor? That’s how.

Scientists believe that only the Earth, Mercury and Venus were formed from the big bang. The others were built by the Super Happy Space Gnomes that all died shortly thereafter when they were smashed by the German Garden Gnomes.

Jesus man-lover: “ If the Big Bang created our planet Earth and form many living things then why can't scientist do everything they can to bring two planets together and make them hit each other to form another living planet like Earth. This way scientist can stop searching for other planets that human can live when they say that our world was form by two planet hitting each other. Why not try that so that living things will form from it? I don't think so. This proves that it's not natural and scientist are wrong about our existence and creations and many other things.”

My comment: Creationist scientists like Ken Ham are pretty talented. Next year, God has told him that there will be another great flood so he has built an Ark and is currently travelling around the world and collecting all the main ‘kinds’ of animals. God says there are only 27 kinds and screw the Australian marsupials; they were a worse mistake than Keynotes with Richard Wilkins. The only hold-up is getting a tax break from the US government. Unfortunately, God is a bit skint at the moment as he is waiting for his work-related injury settlement from Mega-Bigwig. Running the universe is hazardous and Meta-Bigiwig has been neglecting his workplace health and safety requirements.

Jesus man-lover: “ Why is there oxygen that we can breathe and it never run outs when in hospitals sicks people need oxygen to live? Didn't u say oxygen was natural? Then why would that sick person need oxygen to breathe so badly to live?”

My comment: A little known fact is that our atmosphere is 99% oxygen and 1% Sentox VX-1 Nerve Gas. Hospital patients actually need less oxygen to breathe better. Science is tough I know, but all this information is readily Google-able even with the 24 hour killer atheist safety filter on.

Jesus man-lover: “Why is that so many times, scientist are wrong when they predict the world will end in this year, that year etc. The bible saids no one knows when God will return. How can God creation human ( us ) have the ability to know when the world will end when we are just his creation living in this tiny planet Earth? Impossible. I point out scientist are wrong about this and so many of us believe them without knowing the logical explanations or proof.”

My comment: Richard Dawkins’ closest prediction so far has been when he “predicted that the Jesus Christ delusion would return to Earth on May 21, 2011, whereupon the saved would be taken up to heaven in the rapture, and that there would follow five months of fire, brimstone and plagues on Earth, with millions of people dying each day, culminating on October 21, 2011, with the final destruction of the world.” He received the Nobel prize for physics the next year in order to encourage him to keep tirelessly working on his final greatest prediction.

Jesus man-lover: “We thought scientist are the smartest so we believe everything they say and not believe the bible Yes they are so smart and may be able to creat humans like we are but they can't give them a soul nor spirit..”

My comment: The smartest scientist currently living is a Frankensteinian chimera of Marie Curie, Stephen Hawking and Dr Bunsen Honeydew. Currently they have near 70% confinement in their soul harvesting Tokamak reactor so all 17 fingers crossed.

Jesus man-lover: "There is only one living God and he is Jesus."

My comment: What about the holy ghost? It’s gonna be pissed and clanking chains the bejesus out of you at night.

Jesus man-lover: "And yes he forbid same sex marriage. He hates it."

My comment: So now we actually get to the point. All that entree of a goat, 2 cows and a eunuch for this main course morsel of gnat’s bile. Problem is that God doesn’t seem to be doing a great job of commanding his army to turn all same-sex couples into pillars of salt and paprika. But even worse, about 10% of his army have coupled up with each other. No amount of rant from Grand General Fred Nile can stop it. Gay couples are everywhere! They are working beside us, buying our houses and staying in for the night because they can’t stand how camp the Mardi Gras is. Some of them are even right wing.

Jesus man-lover: “Read bible with prayer and you will understand. Don't use your knowledge to measure or compare his words. God saids Though the world may crumble and destroy, my words will remain the same. He is the way, the truth and the life. Believe in Jesus”

My comment: I wonder what your 'read bible : prayer ratio is'. I don’t understand so I must have got it wrong. Why did I listen to Ray Comfort’s boisterous banana boy?

What do I do if I can’t believe in Jesus? I think I damaged my brain’s religiosity lobe in a backyard wrestling match with the great Mad Man Pondo.

Afterword: If anyone knows a gay-loving fundamentalist Christian or white-sauce-loving Pastafarian who has a similar style, I would love to start an online discussion as part of my amateur psychology research into the dysfunctional brains of people with extremism spectrum disorder. 

Extremism is usually destructive of course, but it seems to me that it can also be benign or even constructive. Frank and Brian Houston from Hillsong Church are great examples of benevolent extremists, right?

IS IT IMPOSSIBLE THAT I'M THE WORD OF GOD?

WARNING: BLASPHEMY ALERT!

John Lennon might have been more popular than Jesus Christ, but I'm just deluded enough to believe that I'm a little more benevolent & relevant than the JC...

If you need to believe that I am the second coming of Christ or a prophet or in touch with the Universal consciousness and can therefore amend the old commandments and dogmas for the sake of all humanity, then go for it! No one can disprove that my mental illness could be a result of trying to endure the overpowering word of God. She/He/It/They could be trying to use me as a prophet to tell all humanity that we are at the dawning of a new peaceful age; but the first step is losing all the dangerous Jerry Springer Baggage from the past so we can truly live in harmony!

This would actually be in line with my absurdist philosophies. God's new messenger is a de-facto atheist who doesn't even really care about humanity. Thanks God (probable delusion) for making me care! Hallelujah and Hail Julia Gulia!

10 COMMANDMENTS

Take the 10 commandments as a start. In this modern age of 8 second attention spans, the Bible should have a very concise list of how to lead a good life. Many humans believe that God told Moses something roughly like this modern-ish interpretation of the 10 commandments:

"The Judeo-Christian 10 Commandments List, Short Form:
1. You shall have no other gods before Me.
2. You shall not make idols.
3. You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain.
4. Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy.
5. Honor your father and your mother.
6. You shall not murder.
7. You shall not commit adultery.
8. You shall not steal.
9. You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.
10. You shall not covet."

http://lifehopeandtruth.com/…/the-ten…/10-commandments-list/

Add to that Jesus' commandments to turn the other cheek and treat others like you'd want to be treated yourself.

THE EMERGENCE MANIFESTO IS BETTER OR AT LEAST A PRETTY GOOD AMENDMENT?

Compare to The Emergence mantras:

- i sustain all life in the metaverse
- i am enriched by positive interactions online & offline
- i strive for humility, kindness & eudemonia (fancy word for human flourishing which is a fancy term for happiness of our species)
- i live modestly & donate my surplus
- i volunteer my time to the global community
- i strive to create inspiring content & accept donations
- i yearn for world peace & harmony in the near future
- my brain is deeply flawed & deluded
- i will always strive to improve

There is much overlap with modern moderate interpretations of the major religions for sure; especially with the Buddhist & Jesus stuff. Are my mantras 'better' than the 10 + Jesus commandments and the teachings of the Buddha? Do I go straight to hell for even suggesting this possibility or will I be reincarnated as a slug with a salt addiction?

I agree that it sounds very arrogant to even consider that I could do a better job than God! My assertion would be that if God does exist and actually is benevolent and actually cares about my penis and testicles and brain, it's humans that have grossly misinterpreted her word. Only a de-facto Atheist like me can really see through the BS. I'm not blinded by Faith and unable to Breathe in the evidence!

AFTERWORD: WHAT TO DO WITH THOSE WHO LACK EMPATHY? CAN THEY BE TRAINED?

Could someone who lacks empathy follow The Emergence Mantras and be less of a sociopath? It's helping me but I'm not a proper sociopath; only half. I'm sure that a true sociopath would work out a way to distort it for their own gain just like they've distorted every other ideology...