CHRISTIAN EXTREMISM KILLS

A person suffering from Christian fundamentalist Jesus-splooging extremism added this comment to a post about the gay and lesbian Mardi Gras. It looks like he's trying to preach in the hope that someone will read it and be born-again. I don't think I've been demonising minorities enough recently, so I thought I'd take a look at what he had to say for some possible self-loathing left-handy-loving tips.

Sorry to spoil it, but his ideas interacted with my rational brain about as well as Negro-Neo-Nazis and Speedo-Emo-Neo-Hippies.

Jesus man-lover: "Christian God " Jesus " is the only living God that can give you eternal life."

My comment: So you are 100% certain that you picked the correct God and 100% certain that he/she/it/they can give you eternal life and there is absolutely no possible way that you could be mistaken or that the devil could have tricked you into picking the wrong God? I'm not even 100% certain that I love my wife 'Katy Perry' unconditionally...

Jesus man-lover: "You think God doesn't exist? Then ask yourself who created the Galaxy, stars, rocks and everything in and out of this world. It can't be there without someone creating it. There is a creator and that is God."

My comment: My opinion is that it looks like God is probably unnecessary so I am reasonably certain that he/she/it/they don't exist. But hey, nothing is 100% and you could be correct. If it helps you to cope with living in a universe with most likely no meaning, then why not?

The idea that an intelligence must have created the universe isn't too bad, but science is doing a pretty good job at explaining rocks. Even my 10 year old niece can explain rocks. She even taught me about a type of rock called clast, that I didn’t know about. If by stars you mean manufactured pop stars like Katie Underwood from Bardot, then absolutely they were created by the gods Jackie O, Chris Moss and Michael Napthali.

Jesus man-lover: “Ask urself did facebook exist on the Internet by itself without no one creating it. Without creating it there is nothing. That was just a simple example. Here's more.”

My comment: We all know the Facebook story that was told in the movie “The Social Contract”, where “A woman's dark and violent past catches up with her when she is forced to choose between her own salvation or keeping her family alive.”

The idea that something from nothing is not possible is the argument from first cause. Until we have a grand unified theory we don’t know about the very first moments of the Big Bang. It’s possible that it had no beginning, or was created from nothing, or was created by a super-genius meta-universal bunny rabbit called Mega-Bigwig who enjoys torturing my family members with their ‘addictions’.

Jesus man-lover: “ If the Big Bang really is two big planet hit each other and form this world( our planet Earth) then how can a living thing such as dinosaurs exist from it? How can birds form form it? Or water or food? “

My comment: Two big planets hit each other? Like Kirsten Dunst's boobs in Melancholia? I had no idea that Lars Van Twatter was showing us the creation of the universe when Dunst ran around without her grundies on.

The answer to every question is easy, God did it. Ignore all science-ish evidence to the contrary because God did it. Why are there annoying smugheads like me in the world? GOD DID IT!

Jesus man-lover: "If we humans are form from monkeys, where did the monkeys comes when all dinosaurs are extinct?"

My comment: Tree of Life is the answer. Watch Terrance Malick’s version; fall asleep; then understand.

Jesus man-lover: “How can a living thing form from rocks and dust etc from the Big Bang? If our planet was form from the Big Bang, did the other planets like Jupiter, Mars etc also created by Big Bang? Why not? And why is our earth the only planet form from the Big Bang and we can live inside and not other planets?”

My comment: Did you see the giant rock enemy in the famous episode of Tool Time with Tim Taylor? That’s how.

Scientists believe that only the Earth, Mercury and Venus were formed from the big bang. The others were built by the Super Happy Space Gnomes that all died shortly thereafter when they were smashed by the German Garden Gnomes.

Jesus man-lover: “ If the Big Bang created our planet Earth and form many living things then why can't scientist do everything they can to bring two planets together and make them hit each other to form another living planet like Earth. This way scientist can stop searching for other planets that human can live when they say that our world was form by two planet hitting each other. Why not try that so that living things will form from it? I don't think so. This proves that it's not natural and scientist are wrong about our existence and creations and many other things.”

My comment: Creationist scientists like Ken Ham are pretty talented. Next year, God has told him that there will be another great flood so he has built an Ark and is currently travelling around the world and collecting all the main ‘kinds’ of animals. God says there are only 27 kinds and screw the Australian marsupials; they were a worse mistake than Keynotes with Richard Wilkins. The only hold-up is getting a tax break from the US government. Unfortunately, God is a bit skint at the moment as he is waiting for his work-related injury settlement from Mega-Bigwig. Running the universe is hazardous and Meta-Bigiwig has been neglecting his workplace health and safety requirements.

Jesus man-lover: “ Why is there oxygen that we can breathe and it never run outs when in hospitals sicks people need oxygen to live? Didn't u say oxygen was natural? Then why would that sick person need oxygen to breathe so badly to live?”

My comment: A little known fact is that our atmosphere is 99% oxygen and 1% Sentox VX-1 Nerve Gas. Hospital patients actually need less oxygen to breathe better. Science is tough I know, but all this information is readily Google-able even with the 24 hour killer atheist safety filter on.

Jesus man-lover: “Why is that so many times, scientist are wrong when they predict the world will end in this year, that year etc. The bible saids no one knows when God will return. How can God creation human ( us ) have the ability to know when the world will end when we are just his creation living in this tiny planet Earth? Impossible. I point out scientist are wrong about this and so many of us believe them without knowing the logical explanations or proof.”

My comment: Richard Dawkins’ closest prediction so far has been when he “predicted that the Jesus Christ delusion would return to Earth on May 21, 2011, whereupon the saved would be taken up to heaven in the rapture, and that there would follow five months of fire, brimstone and plagues on Earth, with millions of people dying each day, culminating on October 21, 2011, with the final destruction of the world.” He received the Nobel prize for physics the next year in order to encourage him to keep tirelessly working on his final greatest prediction.

Jesus man-lover: “We thought scientist are the smartest so we believe everything they say and not believe the bible Yes they are so smart and may be able to creat humans like we are but they can't give them a soul nor spirit..”

My comment: The smartest scientist currently living is a Frankensteinian chimera of Marie Curie, Stephen Hawking and Dr Bunsen Honeydew. Currently they have near 70% confinement in their soul harvesting Tokamak reactor so all 17 fingers crossed.

Jesus man-lover: "There is only one living God and he is Jesus."

My comment: What about the holy ghost? It’s gonna be pissed and clanking chains the bejesus out of you at night.

Jesus man-lover: "And yes he forbid same sex marriage. He hates it."

My comment: So now we actually get to the point. All that entree of a goat, 2 cows and a eunuch for this main course morsel of gnat’s bile. Problem is that God doesn’t seem to be doing a great job of commanding his army to turn all same-sex couples into pillars of salt and paprika. But even worse, about 10% of his army have coupled up with each other. No amount of rant from Grand General Fred Nile can stop it. Gay couples are everywhere! They are working beside us, buying our houses and staying in for the night because they can’t stand how camp the Mardi Gras is. Some of them are even right wing.

Jesus man-lover: “Read bible with prayer and you will understand. Don't use your knowledge to measure or compare his words. God saids Though the world may crumble and destroy, my words will remain the same. He is the way, the truth and the life. Believe in Jesus”

My comment: I wonder what your 'read bible : prayer ratio is'. I don’t understand so I must have got it wrong. Why did I listen to Ray Comfort’s boisterous banana boy?

What do I do if I can’t believe in Jesus? I think I damaged my brain’s religiosity lobe in a backyard wrestling match with the great Mad Man Pondo.

Afterword: If anyone knows a gay-loving fundamentalist Christian or white-sauce-loving Pastafarian who has a similar style, I would love to start an online discussion as part of my amateur psychology research into the dysfunctional brains of people with extremism spectrum disorder. 

Extremism is usually destructive of course, but it seems to me that it can also be benign or even constructive. Frank and Brian Houston from Hillsong Church are great examples of benevolent extremists, right?

KENNY 'BAKER' HAM'S NEW ARK CELEBRATING GOD'S GREATEST WORK OF GENOCIDE

And God speaketh to Kenny 'Baker' Ham (prank call from God to Ken and where he got his idea to rebuild Noah's flood boat)

K: "Hello?"

G: "Are you there Ken? Sorry this is a poor line. I had Gabriel over last week to fix it. He used to fly down to pass on my message but somehow convinced me that I had to keep up with the times with his patented telepathy technology. He can't tell me why only certain people like you and George Bush Jr hear my Word."

K: "Oh thank you God, you have finally spoken to me and answered my prayers. May I ask why your voice isn't as boomy as it used to be?"

G: "No you may not! You are too weak to be able to hear my true voice and see my true form. Now listen very closely. The Earth has become corrupt and evil and must be destroyed... again."

K: "But mighty God, didn't you say that you'd never need to do this again?"

G: "Impudent fool, the scribes got it wrong. You don't believe every word in the modern English bible is the literal truth, do you? Along with the gift of free will comes the gift of completely f*cking things up..."

K: "Um, no of course not." (Obviously lying)

G: "You are a liar and must be destroyed with everyone else. Yes, even the tardigrades and the fluffy puppy dogs who are deeply sinful too. I've seen your YouTube video about the banana. Or was that Ray Comfort? I don't remember..."

K: "Oh perfect God, can you ever forgive me? Am I not the best of what's left of good humanity? What can I do to show you my allegiance to you?"

G: "Circumcise yourself right now then go and kill your son to show how much you love me."

K: "Okay!" (Gets out knife) "AAAAHHHHHHH! Foreskin gone." (Is bleeding and clearly in pain) "Now I only have to murder my son. Hold on, isn't number seven of the commandments to not kill?"

G: "Ken, you are starting to piss me off. This commandment was incomplete of course! Any god fearing idiot that has actually read all my book has worked that out! Of course there are situations where you must kill, like self-defense and holy wars and when I fricking say so."

K: "But God, are you not all-seeing and all-knowing and all-powerful? Couldn't you have made the bible less confusing for lowly idiots like me?"

G: "No! It was a test obviously and you again have failed me for the last time. I think I should just wipe you all out then start again with Garden of Eden 2.0 without the snake this time. Start the countdown 10, 9, 8..."

K: "Please mighty one, I kneel before you! Please spare me. I will go and kill my son before you can say Hallelujah praise the lord."

G: "Where did I go wrong? What did I do to deserve such an ungrateful and wicked bunch? Do you really think I want you to kill your son? See, another test you've failed." (God starts fake crying)

K: "There, there, God, don't worry. We are sinners but have I not shown myself to be superior to the rest?"

G: "I've tried so hard to do the best I can for humanity but they're so ungrateful and selfish and stupid. Many never even talk to me anymore and many waste their lives on the Internet reading unfunny attempts at humour ridiculing me..."

K: "It's Okay great one. We all are deeply sinful and the rest must be punished. Oh merciful God. Can you forgive me? I've never told anyone this but I have very sick unfulfilled sexual fantasies. When I debate non-believers I tend to bang on about sex too much and give myself away. You must be right that you need to start again. Wipe us all out! But if you save me I can start to rebuild humanity!"

G: "Sh*t, here he is." (Jesus shows up on the right hand of God) 

J: "Hey Dad! What are you up to now? Are you going all Old Testament again? We've spoken about this!"

G: "Ken, as long as you are sorry for all the sick and twisted things you've done my 'goody two shoes, turn the other f*cking cheek' hippie son will forgive you."

K: "Oh thank you great one. I will do whatever you say without hesitation. Is there any wisdom in the book of revelations that you can remind me of. Are you planning the rapture?"

G: "What!!! That book wasn't even supposed to be there. It is the clear work of the devil and responsible for much of the evil in the world. Don't tell me that you actually believe that the rapture would happen literally as told in that fantasy worse than any Tolkien tripe about little people with hairy feet?"

K: "No of course not. I mean sorry God I did but if you say it's wrong you must be right! You would never lie to me. You are the all-powerful creator of the universe after all!"

G: "Well not really but don't worry about that. I am the greatest god that has control over you and that's all that matters!"

K: "Sorry to be terribly bold, but can I ask another question? Can I ask what the Holy Spirit is? I pretended to but never really understood."

J: "We don't either! That is made up nonsense of course. How could anyone have believed in a nebulous obviously-fabricated holy spirit? You are right to question this. You are starting to impress us. Please hold the line." (Music plays with a recorded message about your feedback being important to us)

G: "We have just talked it out and you're our main man! I know this is going to sound a bit like Return of the Jedi when there was just a bigger f*cking Death Star and half-sized Wookies, but you must build me an ark!"

K: "But how will I do this? I am not a carpenter and won't live long enough to finish it."

G: "Well sh*t. Noah even sorted it out and he was a primitive goat f*cker. Don't get me wrong, the bearded tw*t could hammer a nail but man did he like to f*ck goats. We had to dress up his wife as a goat in the end so he would re-populate the Earth, for f*ck's sakes."

K: "Gulp, Okay I'll get right on it! You've put your faith in me and I won't fail you. Goodbye and I love you!" (Starts to think about how to build it and how to scam his followers into donating their money instead of giving it to the poor and needy)

G: Laughs. "No, it's alright, we'll help. Now understand that all the evil d*cks in the world, which is everyone else at this point, will laugh at you and call you the most pathetic simple minded rat coffin eating c*nt in the World. Even the people who call themselves believers will think that you've completely lost your sh*t and should go for a relaxing holiday in a plush padded room where you'll not have a care in the world. But we believe in you. You know how it goes I'm sure. You have to take the first leap of faith. Unfortunately, even though we're all powerful and sh*t, we're a bit strapped for cash at the moment. The other gods flushed our heads down swirling black holes and emptied out our pockets."

K: "Sorry Almighty. Are you not the only true God? Doesn't the Bible say..? I thought at least this part of the Bible was the true word."

G:(Mimics Ken "Doesn't the bible say..?") "Silence! They are untrue gods and big mean bullies. I need to leave the fund-raising to you. You must go to the evil government and ask for tax breaks so that you may build an ark-themed amusement park. That will be your cover story but you'll still have little children rolling on the ground laughing at you when you walk down the street and calling you Ken the dog-sh*t-level dumb f*cktard. Evil little children that we will soon take care of, don't worry!"

K: "OK mighty and all good God. I'll get right on it! Even if I don't get tax breaks, I'll raise the money myself and build the biggest ark I can and save as many kinds of animals as possible."

G: "No matter what, you must build me an ark for the coming 'greater than the last one I promise' flood. Even Kevin Costner won't survive this time!"

K:(Thinks) "Thank you so very much Lord for giving me the opportunity to repopulate the Earth. Is there any chance that I could have 73 barely legal dwarf SSBBW virgins on board?"

G: "No! That virgin special offer isn't working out so well so we won't be offering it again. Instead you will need to impregnate every animal that you gather on the ark, so you only need females. Your little penis is skeleton key for all land-based and flying life. Only after you have done this will we allow you to unfreeze the 100 sexually-experienced 16-year olds that will be held in suspended animation on your ark."

K: "Um, this is a lot for me to process. Okay I'll do it but you're testing me again, right? Won't I go to Hell for impregnating 16 year olds?"

G: "Where did you get that idea from? I'm the one who came up with the saying, 'if it bleeds it breeds' and 'if there's grass on the pitch it's OK to play'. It's only man-made laws that care about violating women. Besides, after the flood, there will be no other evil and debaucherous humans to imprison you for simply giving a teenager the gift of a baby."

K: Ken gets excited. "As you wish, my master. Can I talk to you whenever I want by just praying? Surely you can let me hear your real voice and see your perfect form!"

G: God and Jesus laugh. "Sure Ken, you can talk to us but don't think that we're ignoring you just because we don't answer back. You'll see our forms in the clouds and on toast and our voices in the thunder and your stomach rumblings. So go build and ignore the haters. Farewell."

God and Jesus roll on the floor laughing and rub their hands with glee at the anticipation of future Ken Ham entertainment.

References

http://www.news.com.au/technology/innovation/aussie-behind-bizarre-and-scary-life-size-replica-of-noahs-ark/story-fnjwucti-1227454450439

http://www.noanswersingenesis.org.au/aig_and_ark_ham.htm

http://www.christianpost.com/news/ken-ham-says-critics-who-ask-why-money-raised-to-build-the-ark-encounter-isnt-going-to-the-poor-instead-object-to-the-bibles-gospel-message-139445/

https://arkencounter.com/