WHAT IS THE SIMPLE EXPLANATION FOR MY WIFE'S COMPLEX CONDITION?

How do people with vastly different world-views interpret their symptoms when they are unwell? The doctors have diagnosed my wife with possible Fibromyalgia and some kind of as yet unnamed auto-immune condition. This might sound like the medical fraternity doesn't know anything, so it is understandable yet misguided for others to cling onto alternative explanations that sound more specific when presented with similar diagnoses. And claims are certainly made by alternative practitioners that they are treatable. However, their conditions and cures are about as reality-based as Satan Claus: the dark lord of over-sized adult toys.

over-sized and eco-friendly toys

The pseudosciences trying to explain 'mystery' conditions are so numerous that this list doesn't even scratch the snake-oil varnished surface:

1 - Blair Demon Re-possession requiring exorcism by the ghost of Leslie Nelsen's fart machine

2 - Glenn Thetan infection requiring a minimum of $100,000 to be paid towards David Miscarriage's wife's imprisonment upkeep

3 - Ghost writer haunting to be busted by Lego Egon Spengler

My life's work is designing immortalisation in Lego with consciousness uploading

4 - Curses from wicked gypsy witches called Agnes requiring counter-spells and White Wizard all-purpose beauty spot remover

5 - Good luck charms that have gone soggy like yesterday's cereal. Quantum Reiki charging is required to bring the charms back to crunchy luckiness.

Made with only the finest lepre-corn

6 - Orange McDowell Malcolm-ware that has infected my wife's Trinity code. The Architect was deposed and was replaced with Ron Burgandy. His auto-cue was modified by Silent Agent Kevin Smith to make a woman who loves photography half-blind. Fixing the code could be done by Matty Mighty Mouse if she wears a red dress and pays $200 million for a franchise reboot.

7 - Toxins in her body from getting the 1951 mecha-Wakefield Ford Mercury vaccine. Boob Dimple Key Lactation therapy would cure her.

8 - Poor diet because she eats Mesolithic GMO gluten. A cleansing diet to fix her problems would consist of nothing but organic raped-by-man-seed extract.

She will be The One in Matrix 4: A New Hope of Re-erecting

9 - Sick windy house turbine syndrome which requires our house to be cleansed and dowsed with heavy metal Poison stakes in the ground and in our bed which also must be rotated 180 degrees to face God so he gets a better view when we're enjoying each other's company

10 - Electromagnetic Radiation from model 302 telephones and 192kHz Hi-Fi technology is causing brain mRNA Beck Mutations so she needs to sleep in a crystal skull pyramid with aromatorture candles dripping wax on her ear lobes with a hybrid of 302 and 192kHz sine tones blasting up her nostrils

11 - Undetectable, massless, invisible dark night parasites that need to be removed with a homeopathetic bat guano preparation from a brooding naturopath. Only she can tell when they are gone after a minimum of 20 sessions.

The death phone made famous by Russell Crowe's former incarnation

12 - Moon mind control from the only soul-less person on Earth, Don 'No Soul' Simmons. The sole known treatment for this is sleeping out in the rain at the dark end of the street listening to Percy 'Rosebud' Sledge.

13 - Toxic drugs from Big Pharma, poisonous supplements from Big Food and fructose-enriched pizza from Big Pete’s Pizza & Prostitute Parlour are making her chronic condition worse so she needs to sleep in the Amazon rain-forest and be bitten by 1,000 bullet ants as an all-natural antidote to our sick capitalistic society

The Illuminati Babies are reading your mind and keeping tabs on all the filthy things you fantasise about

14 - Islamist Zionist Illuminati Muppet Babies who are poisoning the water supply with Himalayan fluorosilicic acid in order to dull our brains into accepting New World Order Tex-Mex take-away. My wife must drink only the purest Asa Soltan Rahmati diamond water to remain spiritually aware of the Universal ball-joint coupling consciousness.
15 - Low illuminance and luminous emittance sub-luxations requiring spine and aurora re-adjustments from a chiro-quacktor who gets sadistic pleasure from endangering young melanin-deficient children.

"This is how I'll paralyse your child to treat her asthma"

Have I missed any possible causes for my wife's condition? Unless there is a breakthrough, she'll likely be spending the rest of her life adding, taking away and modifying her food, lifestyle, drugs and science-based supplements in order to manage her symptoms. 

If you tell her to stay positive, she'll get Rolf 'Extra Leg' Harris and Maggie 'The Freak' Kirkpatrick out of jail and tell them to 'entertain' your grandchildren, then tell you to stay positive...

AM I SPIRITUAL GARBAGE?

I'm relieved/annoyed that I frightened off my katana-wielding frienemy, whom I probably should have blocked early on for spamming about psychedelic space mushrooms and just generally being one of the most difficult humans I've ever come across. How can I maintain a relationship with someone who doesn't even think they are human and calls me 'spiritual garbage'?

Is this my soul?

The rules of interaction were more than a little challenging for me to comply with. I called him 'bro' in our last chat and that didn't go well. Was I deliberately winding him up? Yes, but I call people 'bro' all the time and if that causes issues then what can I do? I stated that I'm happy to have keyboard warrior duels if he can be a tad nicer.

As he's written off all of humanity and doesn't believe that one should communicate non-telepathetically using English, what can I do? When I asked him why he uses Facebook, when it appears to be completely incompatible with his world-view, he answered because he wants to. I was hoping for something a bit more enlightened from an immortal being who claims to communicate with other-worldly beings such as Greys and Rigellians.

This ET tells me to wipe out humanity to clear Earth for his plastic invasion

The primary reason that he unfriended me was that I censored two of his comments on my Facebook threads. In the first, he called people 'cretins'; in the second he recommended giving illegal psychedelic substances to a child. I stated why I believed they were inappropriate. Just these two small censorships caused his persecution complex lobe to explode. I can see why diplomacy with extremists can be almost impossible; like working with Jeremy Clarkson.

But let's face it: he didn't laugh at or even understand my lame jokes, so it was never going to work out. I'm not optimistic, but I do hope he manages to eke out some kind of flourishing life.

Google says this is what a flourishing life looks like

Did engaging with him for a few days help, hinder or make no difference to his disposition? I would say no difference. True extremism seems to be a dysfunctional brain that probably cannot be mended without a heck of a lot of water-boarding by mental health professionals. Where do you even start with someone completely miserable and highly delusional that wants no therapy? Our current culture of individualism seems to say leave them be and it's their choice to destroy their lives. I'm just not comfortable with that but I don't want to lock people up either unless they are likely to harm themselves or others.

What's the take-home from all this for the majority of humanity who try to be moderates? Immunize yourself against extremism. Basically:

- Accept that we are all wrong about lots of things

- Question everything but don't deny the power of the scientific method and critical thinking

- Don't demonise anyone; not even Rebecca Black

- Be kind and don't play dirty unless it's consensual

- Find something that makes you laugh

I rate myself 50.1% successful at extremism immunization so I barely pass. If you rate yourself at higher than 80%, then ask your favourite skeptic if they agree and be upfront about your belief in hyperdimensional colonic colour physics.

This is my colon and clearly proves my psychic abilities