LITTLE LAM: THE BAND NOT THE BULGARIAN GOURMET DELI & TIRE FITTERS

(this review may spin off into an absurd rant about the link between pop music and extremism. I can amend this for a little ‘cash for comment;’ Hint Hint ;) )

LittleLam Website

Overall thoughts on debut album

I’ll give the LittleLam’s debut album ‘Plastic Paper Lemonade’ a Richard Wilkins, which is 3 and a half stars for people not in the know about Australia’s TV network 9’s host of Keynotes. This puts the album on par for me with movies such as The Wolverine, Her and Caddyshack. I really dug all those movies and this is Little Lam’s first album so it’s going to be uphill from here! If my Stallone Rumpology skills are correct, their next album will be at least 4 stars, which is getting into Raiders of the Lost Ark and Anchor Man territory.

Cohesion is such a tough thing to nail with a band with so many great influences. Watching Lam live, the songs fit a bit better together in my opinion so I can only attribute any reservations I have to the production. It’s still far, far better than most first albums, but if I could pick on one thing, I would target the vocal post-production on some of the tracks. The balance between getting bored of sameness and adding more trinkets than when children decorate Christmas trees is so tough to get right. My opinion is that Leanne’s voice is so wonderful that it only needs a tiny amount of extra seasoning every now and then. But this is of course my taste and I can think of massive bands that do similar varied treatments to vocals. There is only 1 teeny tiny teensy weenie yellow polka-dot vocal blemish on the whole album that I’ve found which is testament to a band that refuses to use Auto-tune.

When I die and turn into a Ghost then meet Whoopie Goldberg to try and work out what unfinished business I have left on Earth, my primary motivation will be to go to Heaven in order to listen to angels with voices like Leanne’s. I’m not sure what else there’ll be to do in Heaven anyway. No depiction I’ve ever heard of has anything enticing other than the music.

The diverse influences come together into a 10 course modern Australian fusion banquet straddling pop, country, alternative, rock and no annoying glitch dup chiptune circuit bending step. Some may not unequivocally adore every track, but I’m quite confident that you’ll fall for at least one after a listen or two. And the whole meal should grow on you after that. I like or love all the tracks now, but the last track, ‘All you can get’, is perfection for me. It knocks up the album into a blissful climax, like the end of a ‘date night’.

Bring on the next one I say, which could be called Bakelite / Parchment / Hair-Tonic or Carbon nano-fibre / Tablet PC / Slurm or Polyvinyl Chroride / Cellulose / Mostly Dihydrogen monoxide.

And go see them live too if you are lucky enough to have been captured by the glorious Brisbekistan State!

LittleLam live at Kerbside Brisbane

LittleLam the band

Little Lam was a slow build for me. I find when I know people doing the art, there is an authenticity hurdle to jump over before I’ll embrace them as legit. Not sure why this is. Perhaps I want to protect my impeccable reputation as being THE taste maker and breaker. I have been described as the Bernard King of my generation.

But after seeing Lam twice I think it began to wash over me like the Japanese Buddhist monks that stand under near-freezing waterfalls in the middle of winter. This was a band that deserved much more attention than from just their circle of friends and family. If I didn’t really believe this, then I doubt I would be bothered to write this review. Just 1 thing: Kirk should talk between tracks during gigs. He is a Joan Rivers-level master of inappropriate shock humour which would knock back and forth with the Dad jokes like a perfectly-balanced perpetual-motion Newton’s cradle.

Joan stole this line from Kirk...

Lam are a traditional 4-piece band with Leanne able to add acoustic guitar or keys. There is a reason why this combination is so popular; everything usually fits in a mix without having to perform crazy production tricks or add quad amps and octavers to the guitar/s.

1.     The drums are solid and always add that extra little flourish to keep it interesting. It’s just a basic kit which is all you need if you have the skill to keep things hot & spicy.

2.     The bass is the least out there element to the mix. Sorry Dave, it’s not your fault! This is what the bass does in most music. It keeps the listener grounded to the root note of each chord and all that music theory stuff. Somehow I don’t think that a Flea funk bass solo would fit in the middle of ‘Stars’. Actually, I’m listening to it now and maybe it could…

3.     The guitar shows to me how practise does actually make a difference. I ‘inspired’ Kirk to play guitar. That’s my story anyway! He practised and I didn’t. He can now nail all the styles required including some sick Matthew Bellamy -ish solos. And he is extremely solid live too and provides lots of call and response with the vocals that is the hallmark of great lead guitar work

4.     I can’t say enough about the vocals; so I’ll keep it short. Problems with vocals and the song-writing are the 2 compulsory ingredients that get most contestants kicked off Master Chief: the singing & cooking reality show set in the Halo Universe. Leanne can do both with far more range than your average ‘The Voice’ contestant street busker and I’m sure that there’s even better things to come; like maybe some Sia/Pink/Lady Gaga inspired singing with her back to the audience in a meat dress hanging upside down

Breaking out from every other talented musician should never be the primary aim for any artist in my opinion. Success is not always a sign of talent and becoming known in Australia is about as likely as being struck by lightning while riding a shark voiced by Barry Humphries. It should always be about the art and the passion. Staying dedicated is no guarantee of anything either except being true to yourself. One has to admire those that don’t just flit about like the rest of us and actually manage to devote themselves to their creative endeavour and finish something. We all know ‘artists’ that have never finished a single thing but believe they are special and should be adored. I know this feeling all too well so am elated for Little Lam for completely an album that they are proud to perform and promote. That reminds me of my 20% finished EP that I haven’t worked on for 6 months and the Lam remix that I promised and haven’t even started. But enough about my failures…

Ghosts from my music past...

Don’t be hatin’ on pop music, you pretentious w*nker

As I said before, It took me a while to carve up the Lam. I was led astray by certain individuals who believe that being harshly critical of everything, especially anything near the pop end of the spectrum, somehow makes them more interesting to cool people. I used to be like that too, but realised that it is terribly unfair to lump all pop together as puerile music for children and imbeciles. Some of it is of course, but there is some great pop music that I can at least appreciate for the production values and yes, catchiness. Unless you listen to music that is random noise, you are attracted to patterns too. Your most anti-pop band that you believe in your pretentious smugness to be the greatest artists are pretty much doing pop music with a 10 degree twist.

And there is no line anymore between pop and alternative anyway. The Australian public radio station Triple J put the last wooden spike in the last vampire when they eliminated Taylor Swift from the 2014 Hottest 100. Alternative music actually meant something in the 90s, but like anything that becomes popular, of course it eventually just becomes another flavour of pop music. And so what? Pop music is so much better now than it used to be I think. The pop artist has so many colours to choose from now. I look forward to seeing how many other genres that can be incorporated into the next Little Lam album. Nintendocore? Chap Hop? Clown Step? ;)

Enjoy music on its own merits. Don’t judge by the cultural effect that it has. It’s perfectly OK to like a Beyonce song. You don’t have to like all her fans or her politics or her husband or her sisters or her badonk-a-donk. “Remember those walls I built? / Well, baby they're tumbling down / And they didn't even put up a fight / They didn't even make a sound”.

Beyonce / Goro

But don’t go too far. ‘Blurred Lines’ has no artistic merit whatsoever and has brought sexual politics back to before we hunted all the Manfred ‘Manny’ Woolly Mammoths to extinction. If you like Brian Thicke or whatever the person with dirty misogyny’s name is, take an Ice Age cold hard look at yourself. What are you doing with your life? Turn around, walk the other way, and don’t look back; never look back. You might believe you can fly, but you've just face planted a tree.

Disclaimer: I've known the guitarist, Kirk Harmer, my whole life. He is one of my parents’ God children. Kirk has a brother, Adam, and ever since I can remember I've only got along well with one of them at a time. It was Adam, then Kirk, then Adam, now Kirk. After an unintentional vicious attack on my recent Facebook activity, Kirk is definitely front and centre as my favourite brother, so I prefer Noel to Liam Gallagher? He has now turned into a way better person than me too.

And I adore Leanne. She has truly brought balance to the Force of Kirk. He is no longer trying to create his own horde of micro-organism minions and feeding them with festering food. And he smells better now too. ;)

So how am I going to be able to give a review that doesn't just gush fan-boy? I have tried my best to separate the man from the machine and the music from the personalities. I will fail. I don’t even listen to lyrics so will only really focus on the music. My brother swings the other way, so if I can convince him to write a review, it would be a perfect complement to this article; like extremism and violence: you can’t have one without the other.

Outrageous self-promoting plug: If you abhor violence but are obsessed with the extremist dysfunctional brain with absurdist humour and dumb pop culture references, then find me on Facebook or my blog or subscribe to my weekly email. I can also review one of your products or services. I run a donation model for my services so pay me nothing if you like. All I promise is I’ll be honest and I’ll scrap the review if you don’t like it. Or you could improve your product or service until I do like it, then I’ll gladly amend my review.

WABBIT SEASON! DUCK SEASON!

Link to article: george-told-to-get-his-ducks-lined-up

Elmer Fudd vs Bugs Bunny cartoons are classics, though probably shouldn't be played out when discussing real world issues!

Before the Bugs Bunny environmentalists sabotage my gun and tie the barrels up in bows, I agree that the Caley Valley wetlands are important and should be kept or at least maintained sufficiently for the bird-life and ‘aesthetically pleasing’ biodiversity. But this won't stop me criticising the extremist hysteria by the people with greenie dysfunction. It is unfortunate that they feel they must scream incoherently to get their voices heard. The media and the public are to blame as well; don't get me wrong. The public won't care enough unless we can be dished the good fluffy bunny with lip vs the evil shooter with a speech impediment narrative that we adore so much.

I've done about 7 years work on the Abbot Point Coal Terminal and no one I've met wants to destroy the wetlands. Everyone who has been there can see for themselves that the birds love it. It is possible of course that there may be unintended consequences. Any development to the terminal could affect the birds. But the feathered animals from the Aves class are actually quite resilient. The terminal let's say may have discharged material they shouldn't have I understand in the past and the birds survived. The terminal plus the Blowin' Bowen breeze showers the wetlands in coal dust and has been doing this for over 30 years now. The noise from the conveyors and trains kind of kills the ‘nature vibes’ for us humans, but has not discouraged the birds.

The Caley Valley wetlands are seasonal wetlands. In dry spells, they greatly shrink, and I understand that this is the area that was 'enhanced' for the old duck shooters. So the minister is correct from this point of view; just like Obi Wan was ‘correct’ when telling Luke that his father was dead. During Big Wets, the wetlands go absolutely boonta as shown in the article's main photo. Now of course the eviros are going to use this photo for their propaganda pieces. They want you to believe that the wetlands take up the whole Abbot Point and therefore any development anywhere to the area will be a problem. Let's face it, they have a clear ideology. They want the coal from the Galilee basin to stay in the ground. So do I! But I refuse to distort the facts in order to support my opinion. It is not a ‘must’ that we should stop burning coal; esp thermal coal for electricity production. It's a good idea but not a ‘must’.

(Story-telling time: I have been stranded at the terminal during a wet spell and we had to load up on locos to get out because the train line is higher than the road. I had a supply of tinned food due to my survivalist delusions, so I would have been fine if stranded for a while. During the wet, the water gets everywhere and any potentially toxic chemicals could of course get in the water. This actually has been happening as I said for 30 years. But lots of water also means low concentrations of anything bad. What the extremists have tried to brainwash us with is that any dose of any toxic chemical will harm us. This is beyond wrong. In your body right now you have some mercury. If you don't believe me go and check. You can actually feel the mercury that pools in your taint. We have traces of all sorts of toxic chemicals whizzing inside us. And no, de-toxing does not get rid of them. The quackers use the term toxins because they can't make any specific claims that they remove specific chemicals because the evidence is rather lacking that they do anything. The toxic chemicals that we do have are most likely far too low to be a problem. There is a threshold. It's like an R2-D2 garbage bin. You can fill it up to a certain level no problems, but add too much and it overflows and gets zapped by a Jawa. Or think of paracetamol. Too little and it does nothing. The right amount can be beneficial. Too much destroys your liver. There are chemicals that help us at the right dose and chemicals that can only harm us but you need to exceed the threshold. There are other chemicals that only require a tiny amount to be dangerous; but again, at ‘homeopathic dilutions’, they are fine too. A single molecule of anything is not going to do any measurable harm. And the bird and the frog from the wetlands lived happily ever after. The end.)

So the toxic chemicals get into the water during the wet season, then get diluted to below dangerous thresholds. The sitting water infiltrates into the ground or evaporates and it is possible that the concentrations could increase, though much of it will be left on/in the ground in tiny amounts after the water is gone.

The proposed dredge spoil could be a problem depending on the volume of spoil compared to the volume of wetlands during the wet. I can't find numbers but I think conservatively there would be an order of magnitude difference so that any concentrations would be 10% of their previous values once diluted by the wetlands which is a big difference and could easily be the difference between safe levels and dangerous levels. In fact it is likely to be way, way less than 10%. And this is only if the bund walls around the dredge spoil are breached.

The other issue is that more development could mean more illegal discharges from the terminal. Fortunately the guidelines are way more stringent now and the companies actually care more because they don't want to kill ducks either! They would prefer to kill a human than the ducks probably as the publicity and narratives would be far more damaging if the ducks got f*cked. I have personally inspected around the terminal looking for areas of possible past discharge and we fixed the problems. That doesn't mean it's perfect but I do tire of putting horns and goat legs on these people and painting them red. They are not evil! Even if they only care about money, bad publicity from duckicide hurts their bottom line.

The last wrinkled high-vis shirt is my friends from Adani. I have a 'spy' embedded in the company so I can't say too much. They do seem to have different ideas to what I'm used to and I would recommend watching them like hawks if any development goes ahead. But this can be done easily. This is why we have authorities. You can claim that they'll just be paid off or whatever and this is always possible. The best thing the bird lovers can do probably is spy on the development if it goes ahead. The road to Abbot Point is accessible. You have to be dedicated and not afraid of going ‘bush’ and letting your pubic hair grow. You can spy on most of the terminal from outside the fence and photograph whatever bad stuff you see. Go there during the Wet to see if any ’dirty' water is escaping. This would make the headlines as it would be a clear breach without any hyperbole required. This is the kind of stuff that I want to see the eco warriors doing. It won't make instant headlines like when the f*ckw*ts endanger their lives and climb up the shiploaders. But I know, doing the real work that might actually improve the environment is dull and you have better things to do with your time; like oiling your dreadlocks and annoying everyone around you with your new song about the Earth Mother .

I'm not saying that the birds cannot be harmed. But I assess that it's unlikely when all the factors are considered. The birds have survived next to the terminal since around the time that Return of the Jedi was released. Any breached dangerous chemical concentrations would be greatly diluted during the Wet. I wish we could stop the hysteria and have a rational conversation; but what would the fun of that be...

So try harder greenies and stop acting like extremists turning those with different views into cartoon villains please; for me, can you? If you can, I promise to reduce my intake of koala-fed beef to only 5kg a week.

COGNITIVE LOOPING DISORDER: REPEATING STAGES THAT ARE MORE PREDICTABLE THAN THE 'ARMLESS ‘SOUL SURFER’ MOVIE

I uni-cycled through stages 1-5 below at least 4 times yesterday... I would classify that as a bad day! But then I was inspired to finally work out what the fruck my problem might be...

My experience of stages for the repeated pattern of breakdowns caused by trauma cognitive looping disorder are:

0) Some kind of trauma in past that gets locked in.
- Most people have something that has traumatised them at some point in their lives but obviously going to war or dealing with terrible abuse in childhood is more traumatic than missing out on a promotion at work. 

- Because we only currently view the world through our own brains, we can't compare our trauma to others very well. There will be some people that others don't think have a big enough trauma but for them it's just as bad as fighting in a war and they too get flashbacks and have triggers.

- Cultural background and world-view may also affect how a person is going to cope with a traumatic event I would say
- Betrayal, abandonment, rejection, bullying, harassment, violence, abuse, loss, change, rights violation, failure, illness, loss of control, randomness of the Universe being clumpy and serving one up with a soggy sh*t sandwich, or what most people call being unlucky, are all examples.
- My betrayal/abandonment trauma goes back to childhood. I know, yawn, he's got mummy issues... (have you worked out that humour is one of my ways to calm me and let steam out of the pressure cooker?)
- No terrible abuse to me or my brother occurred but seeing my parents doing their thing did lead to prolonged psychological trauma and is very much frozen into our heads and can't be forgotten easily.
- In fact, without each other to be witnesses and corroborate the stories that our parents have wallpapered over, I may not even be functional enough to be writing this now. High 5, brother!
- I can't really blame them because it goes back at least another 2 generations that I know of so most likely a lot further. So what, I should blame Adam and Eve or the snake?
- I think my brother and I are the first generation to start to be able to unlock the puzzles and perhaps even break the destructive cycles. It's a hope anyway!

1) Doing OK 

- cruising along relatively smoothly and coping with life (back to my Zen Bubble obsession again!).
- The usual life stresses don't seem to be causing any harm
- But it is possible that one is just temporarily holding the Teen Wolves at bay and may be making the next steps more harmful to oneself and others!

2) A trigger lights the fuse (mixed metaphor)
- It could be a big thing like a violent scene in a movie or tiny like the smell of an aftershave; or even from the brain itself: negative thoughts or flashbacks
- Sometimes the trigger can be only tangentially related to the trauma
- Eg, A frenemy could have mentioned something innocuous at a dinner party and one has lost the plot. The mentioning of the old Australian TV sitcom 'Newlyweds' could have been the trigger. My number 1 trigger is my mother, so remember that next time I've hurt you by mentioning your trigger and you want to fight back!
- Could an attack on one's extremist view like 'toe juice cures cancer' be a substitute for a trauma or could a past trauma have triggered extremist views? It's good that the brain is nice and simple!
- Essentially it's impossible to remove all triggers unless one puts oneself in a coma or shoots up the hardest, most pure prescription drugs.
- Treatment of this stage I think involves exposure therapy. So for me, once I get my Oculus Rift VR headset, I'll program milder versions of my childhood experiences and maybe even change the plotline and character arcs so that I can rewire my brain.

3a) Extinguish the lit fuse

- Sometimes people have some time to defuse the bomb before it goes off.
- They may have all sorts of techniques to reset the brain and cut the red wire, or was that the blue wire? Meditation, sleep, air hockey, auto-fellatio auto-erotic asphyxiation, camping dogging, playing fetch with the cat, watching Borat for the 352nd time: Niiice!
- Sometimes they may succeed at resetting their brain or at least calming it, then return to step 1 ready to fight another day in peace and harmony.
- The people that have extreme difficulty with resetting the brain at this stage could have a brain resetting disorder perhaps?
- I have not yet been given the perfect drug on a 'Perfect Day' or an intervention or thin-tervention to reset my brain at this stage but I'm in good company

3b) Pour alcohol on the lit fuse!
- Many fall into addictions and destructive behaviour in a screwed up attempt to keep themselves together and hold off the breakdown. We all know addicts that are trying to suppress their trauma and actually causing more harm in the process. As Marek likes to remind me, my addiction is food and I am causing more harm than benefit by eating these chocolate wafer biscuits...

4) The Zen Bubble goes Nova and explodes
- One can take it no longer and falls apart
- Ranting / raving / violence / Self-harm
- Are a small series of controlled demolitions better than waiting for the big one? I suspect so and people that scream expletives into their Ron Jeremy love pillows or join an underground dead-arm punching club are probably doing exactly that.

5) The nuclear fallout

- Some can get over it quickly; others not so much
- I find that sleep is the only thing for me that does a pretty good job to reset my brain back to stage 1
- A brain reset drug or intervention at this stage would be nice too if I failed to blow out the fuse at stage 3a and don't want to mope around the house for 3 days watching the newer, unfunnier Red Dwarf seasons.

There are some people that seem to go through these stages multiple times a day and still keep trucking on and are seemingly fine overall. I have worked with people a bit like this! Others go into a downward spiral and get worse and worse with each explosion until they seem to be beyond any help. I'm somewhere in between so it could be worse...

Have I just shown my mental health team that I am He-Man: Master of the Universe and an engineer trumps a doctor or psychologist most days of the week? Hmmm, I'm probably just deluded... I'll see what my team thinks of my own diagnosis this week, then report back on the highly confidential and controversial findings.

THE DAVE CHAFFEY UNIT IS DEEPLY DELUDED BUT HUMOUR HIM AND PERHAPS ONE DAY HE'LL BE ABLE TO GET BACK TO SOME KIND OF INCOME-PRODUCING WORK

This might be the most important blog post you ever read. Your life might be transformed; for it is the dawning of the age of the Aquarius Pisces cusp robo-lady. Share this with everybody you know and World Peace will be assured!

Alright, probably not. If you are too busy, go and do something more important! It is unlikely that this blog will not help you unless you have extremism spectrum disorder. Currently only 1 person I know has this debilitating affliction. And to this person, don't be calling the men and women in white coats on me because I have way more dirt on you to get you locked up. ;)

Next post, I'll start publishing some of my Facebook McRants, and might 'punch them up' if I think my former self was being a tw*t. I might also add some more mind-opening memes dedicated to Richard Dawkins, who created the first meme in 1962 when he carved a depiction of a cat with a surprised expression on its face and added gold lettering to the bottom with the message "I has surpwise!".

Why am I inflicting this ramble rimble rumble on to the World? Don't tell anyone but I've been employed by a top secret organisation to infiltrate extremist groups on Facebook, get to know them, then love bomb them until they change their ways and stop calling me a f*cking f*lthy m*gg*t. So far, I've started to work on 1 particular subject that may co-author my second book if I can get him to stop abusing me and calling me "spiritual garbage". 

If you think my claims are extraordinary and I'm making them up to make myself seem interesting enough for you to bother interacting with me, well, don't you trust me? I trust you all at least 50.1% of the time. It's also all on my FB history so I can sort of 'prove' it. Or maybe I've Tyler Durden-ed the whole thing and have created a cornucopia of extremely freaky characters, so I can unlock their secrets in my mind and write a book on each of them. I'll have to find some fresh unnamed soldiers bodies or something so I can pretend that they were all real but died and i'll dump the bodies around with a sachet that carefully backs up my fabrications. Or am I just telling you all this to put you off the scent? Is my real plan far more sinister?