Wednesday, 4 November 2015


Kenny G-spot shuts up his woman with three of his saxophones
Please put on some Kenny G saxopho-droning, take a deep breath and relax, don't do it, when you want to come. Now make yourself foam at the preputial sphincter by listening to your favourite uninformed blonde female power-suited schlock jock. How many florid insults can you come up with to stuff in her throat until her mascara is running down her pouty cheeks?

In your poetic, degrading tirade, the F-bomb most likely features prominently in nearly every sentence because it is so folking versatile: noun, verb, adjective, adverb, humiliating sexual act between ice cream truck doggers; it's far-king great, you far-car. How about hardening it up to eleven-teen and spraying out the C-word? Most consider this to be the worst word in the English language; with bae coming in a close second. If you want to get depressed at how much our society can abhor women, consider the old saying about the C-word: 'a nasty name for a nasty pus-queefing thing.'

Take a look at how many derogatory slang words there are for women; my favourites are 'minger' and 'double-stuffed oreo'. I think we need some wise words from the renowned feminist scholar, Ke$ha, to raise the tone: "Take it up where we go hardcore and there's glitter on my whore door." Auto-tune this regularly to remind you that women are so much more than walking cheesy pant burgers and chest milkshakes.

Wisdom of Kesha: "I think it's cool to wear creepy old ghost pirates"

So let's list out some of this maleficently misogynistic language and compare with the equivalent meat-popsicle misandronistic terms. The male versions just don't quite have the same zing to the wang, which is what you would expect as shriveled sausage men control the world, control language and control Athena, the goddess of shutting the f*ck up and staying in the kitchen. I have also had a go at coming up with some gender-neutral terms that may be preferable to use when you don't want to be a sexist reverse triple-fister in the pike position.

Misogynistic term (F) / Misandronistic term (M) / Androgynistic term (A)

F: c*nt / M: cock / A: tainted love taint

F: twat / M: prick / A: wrathful hypo-gonad

F: witch / M: wizard / A: pan-fried-pagan-plunker

F: dragon lady / M: dragon douche / A: where's the slag rag in drag gone?

F: Melisandre's vagina smoke monster from Game of Thrones / M: Big Billy, the one-eyed snatch-slaying monster from The PowerPuff Girls / A: Draculaura, a 1599-year-old vampire hermaphrodite from Monster High that wines, dines, drugs then violates itself

F: old biddy / M: old buddy / A: old butty breacher

F: haggard crone / M: distinguished silver-fox / A: old fart smashed peach tart

F: bitch / M: dog / A: Comet, the dirty snowballer

Ancient Chinese bull getting done bear back 

F: cow / M: hung like a Chinese bull / A: butter-face booty-grazing bovine

F: she-devil / M: shim-devil / A: shart-blumpkin-whore-devil

F: hag / M: Boss Hogg / A: hobo-handjob boson

F: Succubus / M: Incubus / A: bisexual banana bus

F: slut / M: stud / A: flirting, perverting slud

F: whore / M: man-whore / A: swinging back door confectionery store

F: bimbo / M: himbo / A: sexual akimbo limbo

F: hoe-bagel / M: hoe-sausage / A: sloppy blow-hoe

F: yummy mummy / M: caddy daddy / A: pink-sock poking errant parent

The sweet sag of mummy marshmallow bat wings

You might be getting turtle-slapped by the pointy end of my stick by now. Our language is sexist. Men have a distinct vocabulary advantage so all that women can do to try and equalise the relationship is nag nag nag until the man has no choice but to strap her to a table with a slowly moving laser that gives Xenia Onatopp plenty of time to escape and seek out banging pleasure from, then dole out thigh-squeezing revenge on Goldfinger.

If you'd like to balance out the relationship, try this one out: role play swapping clothes, exchanging sanitary 'horror of the menstrual clot monster' napkins and undergoing pink-pantaloon-pineapple-reassignment surgery. Then have a c*nt-grunting fight over dressing up your children as bandage-bondage, smoking-fetish, Lolita-pegging prostitutes for Halloween. The 'Chaz Bono' could call the 'Caitlyn Jenner' a cum-slurping brown-butter slut, then lock her up in the vintage shabby rustic chic wooden box under the bed. Hopefully the wilting willy owner gets the point that many of his best verbal weapons have been taken away and this dis-empowers and brutally de-flowers him.

My last question is: should we stop using the C-word due to its undeniable misogyny? We can go three ways with this I think, just like celebrity chef Matt Moran:

1. Maintaining the Status Quo's 'Big Fat Mama's Dainty Little C*nt'. Keep calling your children the C-word when they deserve it. Shout 'C*NT!' at your boss when it's time to move on to greener 'brekkie bong' pastures on your mate dirty Derek's couch.

2. Phase out the C-word and make it as socially unacceptable to use as the N-word and the X-word. Pass a law requiring people to be c*nt-munted whenever they say c*nt, smell c*nt, see c*nt, taste c*nt, listen to screaming c*nt or elbow-f*ck c*nt.

3. Make the word acceptable to use by removing the fishy stigma. Instead of using euphemisms like hot dog bun with special sauce, use Front Admiral C*nty C*ntington. Pass a law requiring all children to say cock and c*nt in as cute voices as possible. Ban terms like girly-doodle, boy-foo-foo and Uncle Fester the indentured child molester investor.

So which is it to be? Which way would you like us to go? Which way do you think society will go with the 'frothy c*nt cappuccino' word? And how many ways could you use a cucumber soothing gel bottle to teach the c*nts in your life an axe-wounding lesson?

My wife's cucumber is greener and uncircumcised

Further reading for all you hateful andronists:…/witches-a-history-of-misogyn…

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