Friday, 30 October 2015


Gladys McClintock, who invented bingo in 1873 in response to Thomas Hardy's novel A Pair of Fat Ladies
It's hard to make extremism as fun as subjects like quantum loopy love blanket gravity. My extremism spectrum disorder diagnostic tool is thorough but extremely dry and a little depressing. So I was thinking about how every boy and every girl could spice up their lives and learn to ridicule violent extremist adolescent pain management volunteers. Then one sultry night I had a eureka moment while fantasising in the bathtub about Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi's massively endowed lady-boy concubines. I should create a new game: extremist bingo! I've found it to be a great way to ridicule the embarrassingly misguided things that those on the extremism spectrum say; both mostly harmless like the intellectual musings of Jesse Ventura and potentially world-ending like Gwyneth Paltrow who said “I’d rather lick crack than eat cheese from a tin.”

Bingo card pdf:

The rules are so straight-forward that even your middle manager Uncle Bruce could play. The goal is to mark a cross on five squares in a vertical, horizontal, or diagonal row, then scream, “EXTREMIST!” There are 12 possible winning lines: 5 vertical, 5 horizontal and 2 diagonal. Players simply cross the squares and guffaw when extremism is found that aptly fits the description.

I will go one step further and fill in every square for the ultimate-supreme-mega-extreme jackpot.

Winner of Miss Buffalo Wings America 2009

1. 100% Certainty About Ideology

"Exposing the flaws in the greatest hoax inflicted on the human race." From The Australian Climate Sceptics website.
These people with delusions greater than John Nash's taxi driver  are certain that they are correct and everyone else is wrong about climate science. They have also appropriated the term 'sceptic'. One of the problems with this is that there is already a skeptical movement of people who are the opposite of climate sceptics. Real skeptics follow the science while climate sceptics don't care about the science unless they falsely believe that it supports their ideological position that climate change is some massive conspiracy to destroy all our air conditioners and vibrating pleasure chairs. I consider myself a real science-based skeptic but don't use the term anymore because of its taint. I call myself a science-based hippie instead now. Dirty hippies have less baggage and are funnier and cuddlier than rabid proof stench climate sceptics.

It's possible that climatologists could be somewhat wrong, and scientific criticism from outsiders is important, but climate denialists shouldn't be so arrogant to believe that they know better than the experts. They should help the climatologists to refine their models if they want to do something useful. The moment they use terms like 'hoax' or 'conspiracy' they have taken themselves out of the conversation worse than Robin Williams. We still love Robin and can enjoy his work, while sensible people now just ignore the denialists. My pet crabs crawling all over my pubis have more useful things to say about climate science than these climate sceptics do.

2. Trite Slogans / Obtuse Jargon

Fine upstanding individuals wearing hijabs in solidarity with Muslim Australians
"We are not the terrorists. We are not the beheaders. We are not the bombers." From Reclaim Australia website.

The Hitler pubic mustache-donning end of the Reclaim Australia spectrum are terrorists and even the mainstream members suffer from extremism spectrum disorder. Their hateful ideology leads people to spit on law-abiding Australians, fire-bomb mosques and make YouTube videos more embarrassing than Cold Chisel's new album.

I agree that Islam has its issues but putting all Muslims in the same halal-certified KFC bucket and inferring that they are all extremists, then using extremist tactics themselves doesn't help their cause. It makes people like me laugh and troll them online. I'd tell them to keep doing it if it wasn't causing so much harm to the Indian cotton of society. I can understand how they've been brainwashed, but seriously, they should all just go back to their parents' basements and rub one out to burqa porn.

3. Blame Externalities / Conspiracies / Scapegoats

Two slimy lizards and a galaxy walk into a Zionist conspiracy
"Humanity is actually under the control of dinosaur-like alien reptiles called the Babylon Brotherhood who must consume human blood to maintain their human appearance." David Icke quote.

Icke is a little slippy toad praying on the fears that many people have: something is secretly controlling their lives. It seems to be an extreme version of externalisation of problems. I do this too when I blame my wife for leaving behind haul truck skid marks when it was probably me. But at least my hypothesis has some feasibility. The Babylon Brotherhood that Icke bangs on about aren't real or at least there is zero good evidence for it. And the shape-shifting alien weirdness is as crazy as John Travolta's hair-pieces.

How about these alien fist probe delighters stop thinking that others are to blame for all their problems? Imagine if they decided to take responsibility for their own actions and started to help make the world a slightly better place rather than fantasy-gasming over shape-shifting reptile cross-dressing Queens; playing make-believe that they have Amazonian invisible Wonder Bra super powers and magic dominatrix flagellation lassos.

4. Empathy Reduction

"Maybe the weak need to die." Anti-vaccination extremist comment on Facebook. 

I have seen both empathy reduction and empathy magnification with anti-vaccination delusionists. They are possibly just afraid of being poisoned which is fair enough but they take it to the extreme and invert the risk to benefit ratio. Many of them also believe that only natural things are great and anything artificial is deadly. So natural rattlesnake venom pessaries cure thrush while cyberskin black-tailed jackrabbit dildos dislodge Fallopian tubes? It's a ridiculous position and easily disprovable but this doesn't stop them at all when it's pointed out. 

In order to hold the position that vaccinations kill babies, they have to accept that some will die of preventable diseases, which makes them ignorant and arguably evil. I've been told by an 'internet person' who thought they were an expert that I don't know what I'm talking about because I haven't held a dying baby in my arms that had been poisoned by the vaccine schedule. That's almost like saying that I can't talk about Jeffrey Dalmer because I haven't raped, poisoned, murdered, dismembered and defiled young boys. Actually, Dalmer didn't poison his victims and neither do vaccines; and the risk of vaccine side effects is incredibly low.

5. Fear Mongering Slippery Slopes

Cory would make a worse Prime Minister than Tony Abbott. He's a lethal flaming cocktail of right-wing, christian and syndromic intellectually disabled.
On same sex marriage reform: "The next step, quite frankly, is having three people or four people that love each other being able to enter into a permanent union endorsed by society - or any other type of relationship. There are even some creepy people out there... [who] say it is OK to have consensual sexual relations between humans and animals. Will that be a future step? In the future will we say, 'These two creatures love each other and maybe they should be able to be joined in a union'. I think that these things are the next step." Australian Senator Cory Bernardi quote.

Cory 'loves the barn yard' is my least favourite politician I think, not because he's an extremist but because my six year old nephew is more worldly and my demented grandfather is smarter. Whorey Cory struggles with key concepts and skills like reading and assless chaps design which makes him more dangerous than an extreme BBW on a lesbian sex swing. He is one of the religious prudes holding up same-sex marriage in Australia because they believe that delaying it a few years will guarantee a place for them in heaven; love sandwiched between Jesus and God.

I might have some sympathy for them if they didn't use such ridiculous arguments like slippery slopes. Same sex marriage is a massive cultural change and you can't expect all to be in favour of it, but seriously, come up with some better arguments or just shut up and accept that the world has changed and you haven't. And Cory, just go and enjoy an animal. You brought up bestiality which means you've thought about inter-species violation, which most likely means you've cry-wanked yourself to sleep obsessing over your forbidden love with your suckling piglet.

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