Friday, 2 October 2015


These tips could have saved Tony Abbott. Sorry; too late!
Have you scored high on the Extremism Spectrum Disorder Diagnostic Tool? Follow these tips to tone down the anger and maybe you might be able to integrate into society without thinking that everyone outside your group is evil and must be destroyed at all costs:

1. Be humble. You are no better or worse than anyone else in the grand scheme of things including your enemies and frenemies and fappenenimies.

2. Always accept that there’s a possibility you could be wrong but play the odds rather than being an extremist post-modernist. It really does seem likely that there is an objective reality and that Deepak Chopra is an angry little quantum troll.

3. Don’t get too obsessed with a single way of thinking. Practice pretending you’re an anthropomorphic goat at least twice a week.

Lord Bleeter Ramstein
4. Learn about the science of how flawed our brains are. It might be humbling. Have a gander at Penn & Teller's ball & cups trick. This is what pseudoscience scam artists do with words to steal your money and they won’t show you how it's done.

5. Learn to say “I’m sorry” and “You might have a point” and “My claims are likely flawed but this is how I’ve come to this preliminary conclusion” and “I don’t know” and “your crackpot ideologue mates don't understand how to weigh up risks and benefits” and “you’re the walking punch line answer to the question of why the extremist strutting chicken crossed the kookoo road”

6. Learn to identify denialism disguised as an appeal to the middle or false balance. Kardashian genocide denialists are the best examples of this currently.

De Nile has been around since ancient times
7. It’s OK to change your mind based on new evidence presented to you. This is what makes you the wolf among sheep ready to pounce and take advantage of ever improving models for reality and for self-pleasuring machines.

8. A civil discussion weighing up all the evidence is possible but needs to be treated with respect. If your opponent can’t reason then try to smack them right in the face with some curve balls. Absurdist humour about their mother and father's reproductive organs usually works best.

9. Examine your own possible paranoia about persecution from those who disagree with you. Are you really being persecuted by right-wing Muslim transgender single mothers on benefits? 

10. Constantly question your own beliefs, no matter how sacred or ‘right’ you think they are. It’s OK to give percentages for things we can't know for sure like a creator for the Universe. We really don’t have sufficient evidence to claim 0 or 100% on this one. That doesn’t mean you can’t give your opinions and choose a concentration camp. Just try to understand how the Nazis came to their conclusions without demonising them.

11. If you think you’re Luke Skywalker or Neo or Larry Gigli and somehow unique and special, um billions of other people past, present and future do too. We can’t all be The One! Feel free to use this delusional thinking to positively motivate you, but don’t start a UFO suicide cult just because you have crazy eyes and can manipulate people.

12. If you think you’re part of the Rebel Alliance and a spy fighting the evil Empire, have a look what outsiders have to say who have no Galactic Credits in your delusions of Star Wars. It’s great to have convictions and causes but don’t think that your group is the only one who really gets it and understands how Bardan Jusik Bieber has been mistreated by the space media.

13. Stop blaming all your problems on external factors; except for the Zionist Jesuit Illuminati Masonic Knights of Malta of course.

14. Learn about how messy and random the Universe is. Look at your genitals ffs for a visual representation of random absurdity. To quote the greatest philosopher and white supremacist apologist: “Sh*t happens when all I have is a box of chocolates.” And just like sh*t, remember that randomness is clumpy.

15. Examine why you dislike those in similar groups to yours; especially when outsiders can’t tell the difference. The other indoor base humping club aren’t evil. You are most likely wrong that your tribe is superior. Non-humping fans couldn’t give a sh*t and laugh in your face when you explain why the others are inferior.

16. Examine your parents, the groups that you belong to and the company you keep. Have they heavily influenced you into your own magical thinking? If they score high on extremism traits then you’re f*cked and it’s almost impossible to escape. Try to be part of the minority that manage to get out then encourage others to join a more benevolent death cult like the Greens political party.

17. Do you follow a leader that outsiders laugh at or respect or are scared of? If you're being blackmailed by David Miscarriage, come to me and I'll sort him out for you for only $10,000. 
Then you must convince the faceless men that Dave Chaffey Hippie is the new Grand Master of the NWO; both the rap group and the World government.

18. Find your blind spots where there is a massive difference between how you view yourself and how others view you. This can be painful and you’ll probably think you’re just being attacked. In the corporate world, we call them performance appraisals but note that many companies don’t do reverse feedback up to the managers because they fear getting a dose of their own medicine. Oprah Winfrey and Gayle King penetrating each other with head-mounted estrogen-injecting dildos are what happens when leaders close themselves off to critics.

19. Name the people you most admire and most demonise and have a look at how others view these people. Try to collect as many views as possible, including propaganda, on everything; not just what Joel Osteen tells you to think about Jesus the filthy capitalist.

20. Examine how you speak to outsiders and how many of the words you use have been designed to keep them feeling like outsiders and not in the know. Stop using obtuse jargon like 'square the circle jerk' and 'boil the Billy Ocean' to make it appear that you’re smart.

21. Learn to identify the most common logical fallacies and biases that we are all subject to. Consider whether you are a victim of circular and motivated reasoning by using logical fallacies as evidence to defend your flawed fundamental tenets. Your core ideology is likely complete BS so consider whether it’s benign or Status Quo 'Centrefold' extremism.

22. Don’t say “It’s just my opinion” or “Everyone is entitled to their own beliefs” or “All I know is” or “I’m not racist but” or “God will judge us all” or “Can I have a Mc’super-Mc’sized Mc’Happy Mc’Meal?”

23. Look at history and those figures who always claim that the world is falling apart and in a constant sense of crisis. Identify the actual peaks and valleys in the timeline of the Fallout Universe. Accept that we might not actually be in 'Gary' Vault 108 at the moment; even though our brain wants us to believe it.

24. Stop using the slippery slope argument. I’m fricking sick of it and the World will end if you keep using it… for you anyway when I launch you down an actual slippery soaped-up slope to Donald Trump’s Mexican sex dungeon.

25. Learn your trigger words when having civil arguments where your brain shuts down to reason. Try to practice compensating for this by having your loved one spank you while yelling your trigger words to de-sensitise you. Examples of trigger words you can try are GMO, vaccines, science, The Pope, Space Pope, Meta-Pope and side boob.

27. Remember that 2 random humans have way more in common than the BS that separates us. We all poop (or in Japanese Minna Unchi).

28. Write a list of the people or groups whom you believe are holding you back from your perfect life. If you come up with 6 billion people being against you, this is problematic and will likely make it difficult to live in civil global society. You don’t have to agree with others or like them or compete in wet jegging contests with them; just try to treat them as human beings with the same rights as you.

29. Examine whether your own group uses the indiscretions of your ‘enemies’ as justification for your own extreme actions. Remember when your Asian-stereotype mother with a speech impediment told you, "2 wongs don’t make a wight?"

30. Is it worth committing violence to defend the idea that Stella McCartney is a superior fashion designer to Victoria Beckham? Carefully consider the suffering inflicted on all humanity; including by violence committed supposedly in the name of green carpet alana dress with kappor sandals and falabella shaggy deer purse self-defence.

31. Examine whether your own fixed ideologies have caused you and your loved ones harm. For example, you may have a toxic parent-child relationship coupled with a distrust of psychologists coupled with a belief that families must stay together. Hi Mum.

33. Do you believe that you will be proven right in the near future about the second coming of all the Spice Girls and if we all don't believe then the Spice World will come to an end? If you’re a chiropractic spice healer, give up and go and manipulate the spines of the ginger, sporty, posh, scary and baby worms in your garden.

34. Attempt to make a joke criticising your own World View. I can give examples if you need help because your crazy ideology is the biggest joke around. We all laugh behind your backs at how gullible and deluded you are.
If you already are a moderate following all these tips, then how do you try to convert extremists? Peaceful, belittling ridicule is the only kind of protest I’m interested in. I’ll stay at home and keep bashing my fingers on the keyboard and hopefully not my head against my wall filled with posters of celebrities who have had pectoral and ass implants. The web is my platform to spread Peace, Love, Harmony through Kindness, Humility & Humour. And memes about cat ladies.


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