Tuesday, 27 October 2015


As a non-ideological pacifist, you can probably guess what my stance is on state-sanctioned murder. Some balk at calling capital punishment murder and strictly it isn't murder by the dictionary definition as it is lawful in the most barbaric countries like Japan and some states in the US. But these are obvious semantics. Capital punishment, execution, collateral damage, snuff films, lethal erection; it's all murder to me baby spicy slicy. It is taking a life that shouldn't be taken.

The question then becomes where one draws the Gaga meat curtain gallows between where a life should be taken and where one shouldn't. Just because I'm against the murder penalty doesn't mean that I'm an ideological pro-life trophy-hunting feminist. Murdering fetuses with vacuum cleaners and coat hangers (abortion) is a splendid way of improving society as is murdering terminally ill patients with Iron Maiden the band, the torture device and the crowbar-wielding sister of mercy (euthanasia). Informal utilitarian arguments aren't perfect and aren't scientific, but they are still a pretty good non-ideological way of determining whether people should or shouldn't be executed by bukkake firing squad.

If you wanna be aborted, you have got to get sucked out of your mother's cooch

Baby murder (abortion)

How do I live with the thought of 'look who's never going to be talking' micro-babies?

- We don't really need more people on Earth. We've got about 7 billion and should plateau out at around 11 billion. That's more than enough of a talent pool of contestants for a thousand seasons of celebrity strap-on survivor.

- If potential mothers have no way of caring properly for the child and don't want their pleasure tunnels to be ruined for their next thin-sausage man why force them? 

- Adoption can be an option but often creates separation trauma that the hand-stick cyclonic Dyson with hygienic emptying does not.

- Abortion these days is a very safe procedure; even safer than unprotected multi-racial knitting circles.

- Society at large is simply not affected at all if some fetuses are extracted, cooked up and added into chicken nuggets.

- Every rags to bitches monthly story is a potential wasted Jeb Bush but we don't force all women to attempt impregnation every month; only the butch looking ones.

- Every male Ravi Shankar is spilling milk juice every day that could be used to create life. They just wipe it off their faces and throw it away with zero qualms.

- Nothing special happens at conception. It really doesn't seem that there is a spark of life or creation of a soul calibur. First trimester abortion to me is little different to having a pilonidal ass-cleft cyst removed.

- Babies are pretty useless for the first year. Super late term abortion or infanticide seems abhorrent to us but was common practice in prehistoric times when hunters seduced gatherers with clubs and the whole tribe got to watch couples bone for the first time because internet pornography hadn't been invented.

- Christian fundamentalist pro-lifers can suck my floppy fetus fabricator.

Show mercy and put down this terminally insane little troll and let Geoffrey live out his days in peace

Terminally ill murder (euthanasia)

Why am I OK with being offered up as a brown sugar sacrifice to Keith Richards a little early?

- People wishing to be euthanised are close to death anyway. Pain can often be managed but close to the end they make zombies seem like smooth-skinned chatterboxes. Whether someone with severe rugby league bubbling dementia dies today or next week makes no difference to society at all.

- The almost corpses and their loved ones waiting for their inheritance want them to die with dignity. We should be able to define a good death for ourselves. I want to annihilate myself at 80 years on a cocaine, herbal Viagra and Kardashian sex binge with Lamar Odom at the Love Ranch.

- We put down sick dogs as a gesture of mercy (and should kill my healthy cat for clawing repeatedly at my nipples.) What's different about a person? 'You and me baby ain't nothing but mammals so let's peck our dying comrades to death like they do on the Discovery channel.'

- Legal issues are currently a problem in many countries so it has to be done super hush hush. The angel of death visits you late at night, gives you a final opportunity to try out all the depraved bedroom activities you always wanted to but were too afraid to ask, then administers a decent shot of morphine and it's see you later exterminator.

- Christian fundamentalist pro-life extremists can suck my shriveled-up pope poker.

I blame the hideous couch for sending Ivan off the edge

State-sanctioned murder of criminals (capital punishment)

Why am I against murdering murders and pedophiles and milliners?

- As a deterrent for future murderers it makes no difference at all. There is no correlation between murder rates, the winter nipple pointiness index and whether a country kills its bad citizens.

- The dead victims of these evil doers cannot be resurrected; unless Glenn Lazarus gets involved.

- The death penalty in practice is a 
massive carcass circus and drags down society by monopolising the media and bogan BBQ chats for years. It just isn't worth it. It's much better to just lock them up so we can focus on the real evils in the World: Cory Bernardi and his dog-wife.

- No one likes to think about the families and friends of the sinners being executed. Major PTSD is likely for some of them and they have done nothing wrong. It might be convenient for you to think that the car-crashing Jenners are all a wretched hive of scum and villainy and are guilty by association, but Kendall is far too beautiful to be a bad girl. The victims loved ones will be traumatised either way. How does adding extra trauma and less penis to the world help?

- Murder punishment skews poor and disenfranchised as the rich and privileged are more likely to get acquitted or have their sentences downgraded. 'If the glove don't fit, you have to lickety slit.'

- Criminologists can study these psychopathic white guys if they stay alive and locked up. And ex-Guantanamo guards can use menstrual-blood-smearing torture on the prisoners to reform them.

- There is always a chance of murdering an innocent man as the justice system is about as perfect as Heidi Klum's 'no longer a 10' craggy face.

- It's possible that, in the future, brain-hacking technology will become available to install an empathy chip and 'cure' evil. We could then once again laugh at Bill Cosby's serial-raping dentist routine.

- Sadistic blood-thirsty revenge extremists like my wife can guillotine my shockingly small shlonger then throw it out a car window.

Do you really want to die in a field with a pole up your deuce hole to stand you up?

Murdering people is easy

Overall, by any utilitarian model you choose to use, you may agree that murdering murderers doesn't help society. On the other uterus, baby murder seems horrific to many but the pros of abortion appear to outweigh the cons. Unsurprisingly, my position on these two issues lines up with what we currently do in Australia. In this bonza murder space, euthanasia is the next challenge to overcome. I think we're at the point now where most want it but the laws are lagging and difficult to draft up. But difficult doesn't mean impossible. So let's get on it so I can legally murder my grandparents. They're really really old and I'll just have to fake that they're terminally ill.

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