Friday, 9 October 2015


How do people with vastly different world-views interpret their symptoms when they are unwell? The doctors have diagnosed my wife with possible Fibromyalgia and some kind of as yet unnamed auto-immune condition. This might sound like the medical fraternity doesn't know anything, so it is understandable yet misguided for others to cling onto alternative explanations that sound more specific when presented with similar diagnoses. And claims are certainly made by alternative practitioners that they are treatable. However, their conditions and cures are about as reality-based as Satan Claus: the dark lord of over-sized adult toys.
over-sized and eco-friendly toys
The pseudosciences trying to explain 'mystery' conditions are so numerous that this list doesn't even scratch the snake-oil varnished surface:

1 - Blair Demon Re-possession requiring exorcism by the ghost of Leslie Nelsen's fart machine
2 - Glenn Thetan infection requiring a minimum of $100,000 to be paid towards David Miscarriage's wife's imprisonment upkeep
3 - Ghost writer haunting to be busted by Lego Egon Spengler
My life's work is designing immortalisation in Lego with consciousness uploading
4 - Curses from wicked gypsy witches called Agnes requiring counter-spells and White Wizard all-purpose beauty spot remover
5 - Good luck charms that have gone soggy like yesterday's cereal. Quantum Reiki charging is required to bring the charms back to crunchy luckiness.
Made with only the finest lepre-corn
6 - Orange McDowell Malcolm-ware that has infected my wife's Trinity code. The Architect was deposed and was replaced with Ron Burgandy. His auto-cue was modified by Silent Agent Kevin Smith to make a woman who loves photography half-blind. Fixing the code could be done by Matty Mighty Mouse if she wears a red dress and pays $200 million for a franchise reboot.
7 - Toxins in her body from getting the 1951 mecha-Wakefield Ford Mercury vaccine. Boob Dimple Key Lactation therapy would cure her.
8 - Poor diet because she eats Mesolithic GMO gluten. A cleansing diet to fix her problems would consist of nothing but organic raped-by-man-seed extract.
She will be The One in Matrix 4: A New Hope of Re-erecting
9 - Sick windy house turbine syndrome which requires our house to be cleansed and dowsed with heavy metal Poison stakes in the ground and in our bed which also must be rotated 180 degrees to face God so he gets a better view when we're enjoying each other's company
10 - Electromagnetic Radiation from model 302 telephones and 192kHz Hi-Fi technology is causing brain mRNA Beck Mutations so she needs to sleep in a crystal skull pyramid with aromatorture candles dripping wax on her ear lobes with a hybrid of 302 and 192kHz sine tones blasting up her nostrils
11 - Undetectable, massless, invisible dark night parasites that need to be removed with a homeopathetic bat guano preparation from a brooding naturopath. Only she can tell when they are gone after a minimum of 20 sessions.
The death phone made famous by Russell Crowe's former incarnation
12 - Moon mind control from the only soul-less person on Earth, Don 'No Soul' Simmons. The sole known treatment for this is sleeping out in the rain at the dark end of the street listening to Percy 'Rosebud' Sledge.
13 - Toxic drugs from Big Pharma, poisonous supplements from Big Food and fructose-enriched pizza from Big Pete’s Pizza & Prostitute Parlour are making her chronic condition worse so she needs to sleep in the Amazon rain-forest and be bitten by 1,000 bullet ants as an all-natural antidote to our sick capitalistic society
The Illuminati Babies are reading your mind and keeping tabs on all the filthy things you fantasise about
14 - Islamist Zionist Illuminati Muppet Babies who are poisoning the water supply with Himalayan fluorosilicic acid in order to dull our brains into accepting New World Order Tex-Mex take-away. My wife must drink only the purest Asa Soltan Rahmati diamond water to remain spiritually aware of the Universal ball-joint coupling consciousness.
15 - Low illuminance and luminous emittance sub-luxations requiring spine and aurora re-adjustments from a chiro-quacktor who gets sadistic pleasure from endangering young melanin-deficient children.
"This is how I'll paralyse your child to treat her asthma"
Have I missed any possible causes for my wife's condition? Unless there is a breakthrough, she'll likely be spending the rest of her life adding, taking away and modifying her food, lifestyle, drugs and science-based supplements in order to manage her symptoms. 

If you tell her to stay positive, she'll get Rolf 'Extra Leg' Harris and Maggie 'The Freak' Kirkpatrick out of jail and tell them to 'entertain' your grandchildren, then tell you to stay positive...

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