WHAT IS THE SIMPLE EXPLANATION FOR MY WIFE'S COMPLEX CONDITION?

How do people with vastly different world-views interpret their symptoms when they are unwell? The doctors have diagnosed my wife with possible Fibromyalgia and some kind of as yet unnamed auto-immune condition. This might sound like the medical fraternity doesn't know anything, so it is understandable yet misguided for others to cling onto alternative explanations that sound more specific when presented with similar diagnoses. And claims are certainly made by alternative practitioners that they are treatable. However, their conditions and cures are about as reality-based as Satan Claus: the dark lord of over-sized adult toys.

over-sized and eco-friendly toys

The pseudosciences trying to explain 'mystery' conditions are so numerous that this list doesn't even scratch the snake-oil varnished surface:

1 - Blair Demon Re-possession requiring exorcism by the ghost of Leslie Nelsen's fart machine

2 - Glenn Thetan infection requiring a minimum of $100,000 to be paid towards David Miscarriage's wife's imprisonment upkeep

3 - Ghost writer haunting to be busted by Lego Egon Spengler

My life's work is designing immortalisation in Lego with consciousness uploading

4 - Curses from wicked gypsy witches called Agnes requiring counter-spells and White Wizard all-purpose beauty spot remover

5 - Good luck charms that have gone soggy like yesterday's cereal. Quantum Reiki charging is required to bring the charms back to crunchy luckiness.

Made with only the finest lepre-corn

6 - Orange McDowell Malcolm-ware that has infected my wife's Trinity code. The Architect was deposed and was replaced with Ron Burgandy. His auto-cue was modified by Silent Agent Kevin Smith to make a woman who loves photography half-blind. Fixing the code could be done by Matty Mighty Mouse if she wears a red dress and pays $200 million for a franchise reboot.

7 - Toxins in her body from getting the 1951 mecha-Wakefield Ford Mercury vaccine. Boob Dimple Key Lactation therapy would cure her.

8 - Poor diet because she eats Mesolithic GMO gluten. A cleansing diet to fix her problems would consist of nothing but organic raped-by-man-seed extract.

She will be The One in Matrix 4: A New Hope of Re-erecting

9 - Sick windy house turbine syndrome which requires our house to be cleansed and dowsed with heavy metal Poison stakes in the ground and in our bed which also must be rotated 180 degrees to face God so he gets a better view when we're enjoying each other's company

10 - Electromagnetic Radiation from model 302 telephones and 192kHz Hi-Fi technology is causing brain mRNA Beck Mutations so she needs to sleep in a crystal skull pyramid with aromatorture candles dripping wax on her ear lobes with a hybrid of 302 and 192kHz sine tones blasting up her nostrils

11 - Undetectable, massless, invisible dark night parasites that need to be removed with a homeopathetic bat guano preparation from a brooding naturopath. Only she can tell when they are gone after a minimum of 20 sessions.

The death phone made famous by Russell Crowe's former incarnation

12 - Moon mind control from the only soul-less person on Earth, Don 'No Soul' Simmons. The sole known treatment for this is sleeping out in the rain at the dark end of the street listening to Percy 'Rosebud' Sledge.

13 - Toxic drugs from Big Pharma, poisonous supplements from Big Food and fructose-enriched pizza from Big Pete’s Pizza & Prostitute Parlour are making her chronic condition worse so she needs to sleep in the Amazon rain-forest and be bitten by 1,000 bullet ants as an all-natural antidote to our sick capitalistic society

The Illuminati Babies are reading your mind and keeping tabs on all the filthy things you fantasise about

14 - Islamist Zionist Illuminati Muppet Babies who are poisoning the water supply with Himalayan fluorosilicic acid in order to dull our brains into accepting New World Order Tex-Mex take-away. My wife must drink only the purest Asa Soltan Rahmati diamond water to remain spiritually aware of the Universal ball-joint coupling consciousness.
15 - Low illuminance and luminous emittance sub-luxations requiring spine and aurora re-adjustments from a chiro-quacktor who gets sadistic pleasure from endangering young melanin-deficient children.

"This is how I'll paralyse your child to treat her asthma"

Have I missed any possible causes for my wife's condition? Unless there is a breakthrough, she'll likely be spending the rest of her life adding, taking away and modifying her food, lifestyle, drugs and science-based supplements in order to manage her symptoms. 

If you tell her to stay positive, she'll get Rolf 'Extra Leg' Harris and Maggie 'The Freak' Kirkpatrick out of jail and tell them to 'entertain' your grandchildren, then tell you to stay positive...

REMOTE KINESIOLOGY WITCHCRAFT

http://awakenkinesiology.com/

So kinesiology is a legitimate science and is also known as human kinetics or human movement. Applied kinesiology, however, bears about as much relation to medical science as I bear a relation to the puddle left over after an intense reverse-bukkake session. (Don't Google if you haven't heard this term. Trust me, you don't want to know)

This is not reverse-bukkake...

But it gets worse, because the prop-magician applied kinesiology practitioners call themselves kinesiologists (omitting the applied part). 

So let's do a test. Is Kerry Rowett a kinesiologist or an applied kinesiologist? I know it's really tough but think very hard and the subtle clues are there... (I think I'm very sarcastic. Not sure.)

Image not used by permission. See my Etsy shop for DIY critical thinking kit...

Apologies: Another nasty post attacking someone who sounds lovely. Sorry Kerry; I'm calling out your magical thinking. You are probably a great therapist and I'm a sort-of female entrepreneur so you would likely help me but maybe ditch the woo?

Created by a man I'm guessing...

TELEPATHETIC HOMEOPATHETIC PREPARATIONS FOR A COLONOSCOPY WITH BONUS COFFEE ENEMA

WARNING: If you have a sensitive disposition towards differences of opinion, straw men caricatures, mild ridicule and Star Wars references, then please take some of your personalised homeopathic preparations before reading on.

Let’s look at the attitudes one may encounter towards the modality of homeopathy or any other treatments promoted as alternative or complementary. Mentioning the H-bomb word 'homeopathy' has been an emotional trigger and was the beginning of the end for 2 of my blocked Facebook-tionships. (Can anyone think of a better portmanteau for Facebook relationships? I'll give you credit)

Some possible labels to apply to people about homeopathy: (labels are useful constructs for groups in my opinion but obviously shouldn't be used to put everyone in a neat little box. We are all much more complicated than that.)

1. Denier: Homeopathy is complete and utter BS. There is nothing to see here. Move along. Move along. It should immediately go the way of trepanation, the White Australia Policy and Gary Coleman. Anyone who believes is either ignorant or stupid or deluded or all of the above like a Gungan from the planet Naboo. The worst homeopathic extremists are about as likable as Bill Cosby doing an impression of Jar Jar Binks.

2. Scientific skeptic: Plausibility strongly suggests that homeopathy is unlikely to have an effect above placebo. More studies than you can poke a hirsute Naturopath at agree that it has no beneficial effect. It may still have a very tiny effect above placebo, but a tiny effect is very different to the claims made by your typical Dr Quinn water-medicine woman. It is basically unethical to give out placebo medicine no matter what kind of ‘healer’ you are. It is pretty much inconceivable that further study is going to yield positive results so no further money should be wasted. Homeopaths, like WWE wrestlers, should just admit that they engage in entertainment and recommend that anyone actually sick should go to a doctor; then keep doing it if people will still pay for it. We still read horoscopes with similar disclaimers at the bottom, so perhaps their business model would not be pile driven into the mat like Stone Cold Steve Austin. (we all agree that astrology is just a bit of fun, right?)

I prefer my wrestling to be in jelly or custard

3. Fluffy moderate: Homeopathy is probably BS but just leave them alone unless they are threatening you with a gun loaded with homeopathic bullets. You’ll likely get nowhere challenging believers so don’t bother. Devote your energy to being positive in the hope that the homeopaths that eschew medicine will slowly come round to accepting the benefits of science-based medicine when they really need it. It’s also often a fluffer moderate’s responsibility to pull deniers and believers apart as they usually get along about as well as James Packer and David Gyngell. (I thought that the elites were supposed to all collude. I know, it must have been play fighting between Packer and Gyngell to convince us that they are actually in competition. Their puppet masters even told them to look really comical. Well played.)

2 of Australia's richest men

4. Extremist moderate: The Universe consciousness collective is full of wonder and mystery and the mystic energy radiates from the Heavens down into our chakras. If homeopathy works for some people why take away their healing from them just because you don’t believe in it? Water is the most mysterious molecule of them all, so why claim that it couldn't have memory? Science is arrogant and claims to know everything about everything but it knows next to nothing. Reality is subjective and what works for others may not work for you. Being negative all the time makes baby Gaia cry and chuck tantrums; then we end up with more earthquakes and hurricanes. One should reflect back positive vibrational energy at all times and they will be rewarded due to the karmic principle that binds all our souls as a single life-force.

5. ‘Benign’ believer: Homeopathy helps me with my ‘symptoms of life’. Big pharma shouldn't get all my money. There is something to placebo medicine that the establishment haven't worked out. But when I actually get ‘proper’ sick, I’ll go and see a doctor. Others are entitled to their own views and they don’t annoy me unless they are being nasty to me. Live and let die, I mean live.

6. Dangerous true believer: Conventional medicine is BS. Big Pharma and Big Farm and Big Food and all the 1% elites are making us chronically ill with toxic food then dispensing treatments just to maximise their profits. Homeopathy proudly sits outside this hegemony and there is a mountain of evidence that it works. Homeopathy can even immunize against measles. People that diss homeopathy are blind and asleep and sheep. They are being critical to try and put the competition out of business. I have heard about homeopathy scientists being gagged by the elites from releasing their positive results. The extremist Western medicine believers haven’t seen what we've seen: real people getting real help from homeopathy. If more people embraced homeopathy, the world would be healthier and happier.

No prizes for guessing which camp I have pitched my deluxe 4-bedroom air-conditioned tent in.

I think that 2: scientific skepticism should be compatible with everything reality-based that works. It’s often also beneficial to throw in a little 3: fluffy moderation as the spoon full of sugar to make the medicine go down.

From my very personal experience, scientific skeptics are not always the easiest people to get along with; partly due to their internal conflict between how rational they would like their brains to be and how irrational their brains actually are.

They will also often appear just as a-hole, absolutist-thinking deniers unless you have a lot of time on your hands to hear their ‘rants’; for it usually takes something like 10 times as many words to fully explain a concept with all the required nuances for the detailed skeptical point of view. Most people want the short version and can feel spammed if a kind skeptic tries to explain everything that is required in order to form their opinion. And if that kind skeptic also sprinkles in Skynet and "Oh Sam" jokes; listen to them and consider what it would take to change your mind...