TRIBALISM IS AS USEFUL AS THE AVERAGE REGRESSIVE LEFTIE BEN AFFLECK

Fred Savage and his brothers

Tribalism used to work pretty well when it was considered happy happy fun times to go and wipe out the next tribe over and claim the hairiest, smelliest, best-looking women. What we now romanticise as perfect harmony between most ancient tribes and nature is fantasy or was only possible after much bloodshed to reach stalemates and carve out free trade agreements with all the surrounding neighbours and the witch Doctor Karls. Even within tribes, a big chunk of the male population was executed for the good of the tribe. And the barren witch women too were made examples of when they got too lippy and saggy.

But it wasn't only the grown-ups bein' murderin'. Infanticide, also known as fourth trimester abortion, was often a common practice to keep the population sustainable. So sanctity of individual life doesn't sound like it was a core concept back then. It was all about survival of the tribe. Individuals were readily sacrificed. The needs of the many outweighed the needs of the few or the one screaming 'the plane' to Ricardo Montalban. Some Davy-Jones-worshiping simians also do all this type of killing-in-the-name-of the machine-raging and have since at least 1965.

Zack de la Rocha before he went all political and lost his rootability

So I give a giant artificially-flavoured, artificially-sweetened, artificially-coloured and pesticide-laden GMO finger to the cruelty of mother-frogging nature. I don't accept that we can't be better than this. Screw our natural instincts too. Frark much of our ignorant intuition as well that tells some to drink baby sloth urine to cure malaise cancer or to not teach critical plonking to our children. Our stoopid ape brains no longer serve us well in the modern world in which we find ourselves where we are all bombarded with so much information and have no easy way to filter out reality from Dr Oz's silky smooth raspberry-ketone-rich left ass cheek.

(Maybe you agree with the above but you delude yourself that you are the exception and your own intuition can over-ride the scientific consensus when it comes to violating your orifices. How fracking arrogant are you to think that you know better? What makes you so special?)

To make matters worse, many of us blame the lizard men and the Jew-leets for ruining our lives, but they are just the modern version of tribal elders. I'm willing to bet that the rank and file minions who were too gutless to actually do anything to improve things were always complaining about authority back then too. Ancient epic tales of moaning weren't passed down through the generations because they didn't make for compelling story telling. Now there is no filter and we can have a great ranty whinge about how our lives have been ruined because a romatic comedy movie about a troubled boy and his kind gym teacher set against the backdrop of 9/11 didn't quite meet with our expectations. Having the technology to record and share all our thoughts and our most colourful and weirdly-shaped poops shows us what we really are like and what we possibly were like back then too. Most of us are facile and flaccid and couldn't manage the guards and make a bring-your-daughter-to-work day in Jared Fogle's prison a resounding success. Until this changes, one could argue that we need despots like me.

In the wretched old days as now, it was advantageous for the gene pool to keep some who suffered from extremism spectrum disorder (ESD) and the better studied sociopathy, psychopathy, narcissism and vapid-fame-whore-ism. They were often the leaders who didn't cry over sacrificing individuals to protect the delusion that their tribe were more deserving of survival than the neighboring tribe because their penis pouches were dark brown instead of light brown.

The eight ancient tribes of Penisrael

Many of the worst/best leaders today still suffer from ESD and the conditions mentions above. Rupert 'Bear' Murdoch most certainly does but fortunately attacks with poorly written tweets and hacked voice-mails instead of Rebekah Brooks' Poisonous Stews of the World. Real-life Tony Soprano Vincent "Vinny Ocean" Palermois is another example. An absolute monster but also extremely charming and arguably a good father and duck lover. People talk about the advantages of lacking empathy to be a good leader and get shyte done. Too much empathy leads one to despair about the suffering in the world and leaves you living like Greta Garbo's incontinent cats hoping that it will all go away.

Now, people like me and most smippies have great hope that we can get over all these sexually violent ape instincts and, with technology, live in peace and harmony without evil pant mustache-twirling leaders and warring, Freudian-slippery, Nicki Minge vs Taylor Slit tribes. We get dismissed by those who have been brainwashed by the constant barrage of bad news and celebrity suicide boob jobs. However, the trends about how the world is going are looking good overall. This is cause for optimism about the future of Hugh's manatee.

We love to focus on murder sport through history, but of course cooperation is innate as well in humans and soap-dodging pirates with little terriers called Pistol and Boo. Most old tribes traded with their partners as they weren't fully self-sufficient. Without this cooperation, humans wouldn't have survived to invent the Hello Klitty vibrator and make the world a more and more peaceful place. Trade and diplomacy don't make for the grand war stories but without this happening in the background, our homo-erotic, pseudo-historic sword-and-sandal slaughter movies wouldn't have been possible.

Pistol and Boo just before being slaughtered for Barnaby Joyce's grand banquet

Like it or not, globalisation has linked up most of the world so that we'd all lose in large scale conflict now. Who gains from the small wars of today other than a small number of corporate elites and storage warlords who need an ego boost at any price and only become erect when defecating atop pre-teen pyramids?

It's clear that we are getting close to fulfilling my dream that our innate tribalism is no longer serving us well. We will continue to use ever-advancing harm-minimisation technology to create a global tribe. Our common enemies now are a small number of old-skool tribal little-dick-tators and some bitter nose-wiggling witches who couldn't please/control their Bill Clintons so the Karmic Universe gave them painful chronic illnesses to prevent them from rising to power. Hillary may become the first exception to this rule to prevent irradiated McDonald from helping along the Global Islamic Caliphate.

Contain them all in Arkham Asylum once we no longer need tyrants to make us better people. Marginalise them, dismiss their destructive ideologies and laugh at their non-science nonsense nonce-essence. They'll eventually fade away like my hopes of changing my name to The Prophet Muhammad Asahara and marrying/ruling-over an entire Japanese J-pop girl band.

My dream-girl sister-wives