Friday, 25 September 2015


And God speaketh to Kenny 'Baker' Ham (prank call from God to Ken and where he got his idea to rebuild Noah's flood boat)

K: "Hello?"

G: "Are you there Ken? Sorry this is a poor line. I had Gabriel over last week to fix it. He used to fly down to pass on my message but somehow convinced me that I had to keep up with the times with his patented telepathy technology. He can't tell me why only certain people like you and George Bush Jr hear my Word."

K: "Oh thank you God, you have finally spoken to me and answered my prayers. May I ask why your voice isn't as boomy as it used to be?"

G: "No you may not! You are too weak to be able to hear my true voice and see my true form. Now listen very closely. The Earth has become corrupt and evil and must be destroyed... again."

K: "But mighty God, didn't you say that you'd never need to do this again?"

G: "Impudent fool, the scribes got it wrong. You don't believe every word in the modern English bible is the literal truth, do you? Along with the gift of free will comes the gift of completely f*cking things up..."

K: "Um, no of course not." (Obviously lying)

G: "You are a liar and must be destroyed with everyone else. Yes, even the tardigrades and the fluffy puppy dogs who are deeply sinful too. I've seen your YouTube video about the banana. Or was that Ray Comfort? I don't remember..."

K: "Oh perfect God, can you ever forgive me? Am I not the best of what's left of good humanity? What can I do to show you my allegiance to you?"

G: "Circumcise yourself right now then go and kill your son to show how much you love me."

K: "Okay!" (Gets out knife) "AAAAHHHHHHH! Foreskin gone." (Is bleeding and clearly in pain) "Now I only have to murder my son. Hold on, isn't number seven of the commandments to not kill?"

G: "Ken, you are starting to piss me off. This commandment was incomplete of course! Any god fearing idiot that has actually read all my book has worked that out! Of course there are situations where you must kill, like self-defense and holy wars and when I fricking say so."

K: "But God, are you not all-seeing and all-knowing and all-powerful? Couldn't you have made the bible less confusing for lowly idiots like me?"

G: "No! It was a test obviously and you again have failed me for the last time. I think I should just wipe you all out then start again with Garden of Eden 2.0 without the snake this time. Start the countdown 10, 9, 8..."

K: "Please mighty one, I kneel before you! Please spare me. I will go and kill my son before you can say Hallelujah praise the lord."

G: "Where did I go wrong? What did I do to deserve such an ungrateful and wicked bunch? Do you really think I want you to kill your son? See, another test you've failed." (God starts fake crying)

K: "There, there, God, don't worry. We are sinners but have I not shown myself to be superior to the rest?"

G: "I've tried so hard to do the best I can for humanity but they're so ungrateful and selfish and stupid. Many never even talk to me anymore and many waste their lives on the Internet reading unfunny attempts at humour ridiculing me..."

K: "It's Okay great one. We all are deeply sinful and the rest must be punished. Oh merciful God. Can you forgive me? I've never told anyone this but I have very sick unfulfilled sexual fantasies. When I debate non-believers I tend to bang on about sex too much and give myself away. You must be right that you need to start again. Wipe us all out! But if you save me I can start to rebuild humanity!"

G: "Sh*t, here he is." (Jesus shows up on the right hand of God) 

J: "Hey Dad! What are you up to now? Are you going all Old Testament again? We've spoken about this!"

G: "Ken, as long as you are sorry for all the sick and twisted things you've done my 'goody two shoes, turn the other f*cking cheek' hippie son will forgive you."

K: "Oh thank you great one. I will do whatever you say without hesitation. Is there any wisdom in the book of revelations that you can remind me of. Are you planning the rapture?"

G: "What!!! That book wasn't even supposed to be there. It is the clear work of the devil and responsible for much of the evil in the world. Don't tell me that you actually believe that the rapture would happen literally as told in that fantasy worse than any Tolkien tripe about little people with hairy feet?"

K: "No of course not. I mean sorry God I did but if you say it's wrong you must be right! You would never lie to me. You are the all-powerful creator of the universe after all!"

G: "Well not really but don't worry about that. I am the greatest god that has control over you and that's all that matters!"

K: "Sorry to be terribly bold, but can I ask another question? Can I ask what the Holy Spirit is? I pretended to but never really understood."

J: "We don't either! That is made up nonsense of course. How could anyone have believed in a nebulous obviously-fabricated holy spirit? You are right to question this. You are starting to impress us. Please hold the line." (Music plays with a recorded message about your feedback being important to us)

G: "We have just talked it out and you're our main man! I know this is going to sound a bit like Return of the Jedi when there was just a bigger f*cking Death Star and half-sized Wookies, but you must build me an ark!"

K: "But how will I do this? I am not a carpenter and won't live long enough to finish it."

G: "Well sh*t. Noah even sorted it out and he was a primitive goat f*cker. Don't get me wrong, the bearded tw*t could hammer a nail but man did he like to f*ck goats. We had to dress up his wife as a goat in the end so he would re-populate the Earth, for f*ck's sakes."

K: "Gulp, Okay I'll get right on it! You've put your faith in me and I won't fail you. Goodbye and I love you!" (Starts to think about how to build it and how to scam his followers into donating their money instead of giving it to the poor and needy)

G: Laughs. "No, it's alright, we'll help. Now understand that all the evil d*cks in the world, which is everyone else at this point, will laugh at you and call you the most pathetic simple minded rat coffin eating c*nt in the World. Even the people who call themselves believers will think that you've completely lost your sh*t and should go for a relaxing holiday in a plush padded room where you'll not have a care in the world. But we believe in you. You know how it goes I'm sure. You have to take the first leap of faith. Unfortunately, even though we're all powerful and sh*t, we're a bit strapped for cash at the moment. The other gods flushed our heads down swirling black holes and emptied out our pockets."

K: "Sorry Almighty. Are you not the only true God? Doesn't the Bible say..? I thought at least this part of the Bible was the true word."

G:(Mimics Ken "Doesn't the bible say..?") "Silence! They are untrue gods and big mean bullies. I need to leave the fund-raising to you. You must go to the evil government and ask for tax breaks so that you may build an ark-themed amusement park. That will be your cover story but you'll still have little children rolling on the ground laughing at you when you walk down the street and calling you Ken the dog-sh*t-level dumb f*cktard. Evil little children that we will soon take care of, don't worry!"

K: "OK mighty and all good God. I'll get right on it! Even if I don't get tax breaks, I'll raise the money myself and build the biggest ark I can and save as many kinds of animals as possible."

G: "No matter what, you must build me an ark for the coming 'greater than the last one I promise' flood. Even Kevin Costner won't survive this time!"

K:(Thinks) "Thank you so very much Lord for giving me the opportunity to repopulate the Earth. Is there any chance that I could have 73 barely legal dwarf SSBBW virgins on board?"

G: "No! That virgin special offer isn't working out so well so we won't be offering it again. Instead you will need to impregnate every animal that you gather on the ark, so you only need females. Your little penis is skeleton key for all land-based and flying life. Only after you have done this will we allow you to unfreeze the 100 sexually-experienced 16-year olds that will be held in suspended animation on your ark."

K: "Um, this is a lot for me to process. Okay I'll do it but you're testing me again, right? Won't I go to Hell for impregnating 16 year olds?"

G: "Where did you get that idea from? I'm the one who came up with the saying, 'if it bleeds it breeds' and 'if there's grass on the pitch it's OK to play'. It's only man-made laws that care about violating women. Besides, after the flood, there will be no other evil and debaucherous humans to imprison you for simply giving a teenager the gift of a baby."

K: Ken gets excited. "As you wish, my master. Can I talk to you whenever I want by just praying? Surely you can let me hear your real voice and see your perfect form!"

G: God and Jesus laugh. "Sure Ken, you can talk to us but don't think that we're ignoring you just because we don't answer back. You'll see our forms in the clouds and on toast and our voices in the thunder and your stomach rumblings. So go build and ignore the haters. Farewell."

God and Jesus roll on the floor laughing and rub their hands with glee at the anticipation of future Ken Ham entertainment.


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