EXTREMIST BINGO! PART 1

Gladys McClintock, who invented bingo in 1873 in response to Thomas Hardy's novel A Pair of Fat Ladies

It's hard to make extremism as fun as subjects like quantum loopy love blanket gravity. My extremism spectrum disorder diagnostic tool is thorough but extremely dry and a little depressing. So I was thinking about how every boy and every girl could spice up their lives and learn to ridicule violent extremist adolescent pain management volunteers. Then one sultry night I had a eureka moment while fantasising in the bathtub about Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi's massively endowed lady-boy concubines. I should create a new game: extremist bingo! I've found it to be a great way to ridicule the embarrassingly misguided things that those on the extremism spectrum say; both mostly harmless like the intellectual musings of Jesse Ventura and potentially world-ending like Gwyneth Paltrow who said “I’d rather lick crack than eat cheese from a tin.”

Bingo card pdf:

http://issuu.com/theemergencestartsnow/docs/extremist_bingo_v3

The rules are so straight-forward that even your middle manager Uncle Bruce could play. The goal is to mark a cross on five squares in a vertical, horizontal, or diagonal row, then scream, “EXTREMIST!” There are 12 possible winning lines: 5 vertical, 5 horizontal and 2 diagonal. Players simply cross the squares and guffaw when extremism is found that aptly fits the description.

I will go one step further and fill in every square for the ultimate-supreme-mega-extreme jackpot.

Winner of Miss Buffalo Wings America 2009

1. 100% Certainty About Ideology

"Exposing the flaws in the greatest hoax inflicted on the human race." From The Australian Climate Sceptics website.

These people with delusions greater than John Nash's taxi driver  are certain that they are correct and everyone else is wrong about climate science. They have also appropriated the term 'sceptic'. One of the problems with this is that there is already a skeptical movement of people who are the opposite of climate sceptics. Real skeptics follow the science while climate sceptics don't care about the science unless they falsely believe that it supports their ideological position that climate change is some massive conspiracy to destroy all our air conditioners and vibrating pleasure chairs. I consider myself a real science-based skeptic but don't use the term anymore because of its taint. I call myself a science-based hippie instead now. Dirty hippies have less baggage and are funnier and cuddlier than rabid proof stench climate sceptics.

It's possible that climatologists could be somewhat wrong, and scientific criticism from outsiders is important, but climate denialists shouldn't be so arrogant to believe that they know better than the experts. They should help the climatologists to refine their models if they want to do something useful. The moment they use terms like 'hoax' or 'conspiracy' they have taken themselves out of the conversation worse than Robin Williams. We still love Robin and can enjoy his work, while sensible people now just ignore the denialists. My pet crabs crawling all over my pubis have more useful things to say about climate science than these climate sceptics do.

2. Trite Slogans / Obtuse Jargon

Fine upstanding individuals wearing hijabs in solidarity with Muslim Australians

"We are not the terrorists. We are not the beheaders. We are not the bombers." From Reclaim Australia website.

The Hitler pubic mustache-donning end of the Reclaim Australia spectrum are terrorists and even the mainstream members suffer from extremism spectrum disorder. Their hateful ideology leads people to spit on law-abiding Australians, fire-bomb mosques and make YouTube videos more embarrassing than Cold Chisel's new album.

I agree that Islam has its issues but putting all Muslims in the same halal-certified KFC bucket and inferring that they are all extremists, then using extremist tactics themselves doesn't help their cause. It makes people like me laugh and troll them online. I'd tell them to keep doing it if it wasn't causing so much harm to the Indian cotton of society. I can understand how they've been brainwashed, but seriously, they should all just go back to their parents' basements and rub one out to burqa porn.

3. Blame Externalities / Conspiracies / Scapegoats

Two slimy lizards and a galaxy walk into a Zionist conspiracy

"Humanity is actually under the control of dinosaur-like alien reptiles called the Babylon Brotherhood who must consume human blood to maintain their human appearance." David Icke quote.

Icke is a little slippy toad praying on the fears that many people have: something is secretly controlling their lives. It seems to be an extreme version of externalisation of problems. I do this too when I blame my wife for leaving behind haul truck skid marks when it was probably me. But at least my hypothesis has some feasibility. The Babylon Brotherhood that Icke bangs on about aren't real or at least there is zero good evidence for it. And the shape-shifting alien weirdness is as crazy as John Travolta's hair-pieces.

How about these alien fist probe delighters stop thinking that others are to blame for all their problems? Imagine if they decided to take responsibility for their own actions and started to help make the world a slightly better place rather than fantasy-gasming over shape-shifting reptile cross-dressing Queens; playing make-believe that they have Amazonian invisible Wonder Bra super powers and magic dominatrix flagellation lassos.

4. Empathy Reduction

"Maybe the weak need to die." Anti-vaccination extremist comment on Facebook. 

I have seen both empathy reduction and empathy magnification with anti-vaccination delusionists. They are possibly just afraid of being poisoned which is fair enough but they take it to the extreme and invert the risk to benefit ratio. Many of them also believe that only natural things are great and anything artificial is deadly. So natural rattlesnake venom pessaries cure thrush while cyberskin black-tailed jackrabbit dildos dislodge Fallopian tubes? It's a ridiculous position and easily disprovable but this doesn't stop them at all when it's pointed out. 

In order to hold the position that vaccinations kill babies, they have to accept that some will die of preventable diseases, which makes them ignorant and arguably evil. I've been told by an 'internet person' who thought they were an expert that I don't know what I'm talking about because I haven't held a dying baby in my arms that had been poisoned by the vaccine schedule. That's almost like saying that I can't talk about Jeffrey Dalmer because I haven't raped, poisoned, murdered, dismembered and defiled young boys. Actually, Dalmer didn't poison his victims and neither do vaccines; and the risk of vaccine side effects is incredibly low.

5. Fear Mongering Slippery Slopes

Cory would make a worse Prime Minister than Tony Abbott. He's a lethal flaming cocktail of right-wing, christian and syndromic intellectually disabled.

On same sex marriage reform: "The next step, quite frankly, is having three people or four people that love each other being able to enter into a permanent union endorsed by society - or any other type of relationship. There are even some creepy people out there... [who] say it is OK to have consensual sexual relations between humans and animals. Will that be a future step? In the future will we say, 'These two creatures love each other and maybe they should be able to be joined in a union'. I think that these things are the next step." Australian Senator Cory Bernardi quote.

Cory 'loves the barn yard' is my least favourite politician I think, not because he's an extremist but because my six year old nephew is more worldly and my demented grandfather is smarter. Whorey Cory struggles with key concepts and skills like reading and assless chaps design which makes him more dangerous than an extreme BBW on a lesbian sex swing. He is one of the religious prudes holding up same-sex marriage in Australia because they believe that delaying it a few years will guarantee a place for them in heaven; love sandwiched between Jesus and God.

I might have some sympathy for them if they didn't use such ridiculous arguments like slippery slopes. Same sex marriage is a massive cultural change and you can't expect all to be in favour of it, but seriously, come up with some better arguments or just shut up and accept that the world has changed and you haven't. And Cory, just go and enjoy an animal. You brought up bestiality which means you've thought about inter-species violation, which most likely means you've cry-wanked yourself to sleep obsessing over your forbidden love with your suckling piglet.

To be continued... There are 20 more squares to fill in!

LET SHE WHO IS WITHOUT SIN MURDER ONLY THE BAD PEOPLE

As a non-ideological pacifist, you can probably guess what my stance is on state-sanctioned murder. Some balk at calling capital punishment murder and strictly it isn't murder by the dictionary definition as it is lawful in the most barbaric countries like Japan and some states in the US. But these are obvious semantics. Capital punishment, execution, collateral damage, snuff films, lethal erection; it's all murder to me baby spicy slicy. It is taking a life that shouldn't be taken.

The question then becomes where one draws the Gaga meat curtain gallows between where a life should be taken and where one shouldn't. Just because I'm against the murder penalty doesn't mean that I'm an ideological pro-life trophy-hunting feminist. Murdering fetuses with vacuum cleaners and coat hangers (abortion) is a splendid way of improving society as is murdering terminally ill patients with Iron Maiden the band, the torture device and the crowbar-wielding sister of mercy (euthanasia). Informal utilitarian arguments aren't perfect and aren't scientific, but they are still a pretty good non-ideological way of determining whether people should or shouldn't be executed by bukkake firing squad.

If you wanna be aborted, you have got to get sucked out of your mother's cooch

Baby murder (abortion)

How do I live with the thought of 'look who's never going to be talking' micro-babies?

- We don't really need more people on Earth. We've got about 7 billion and should plateau out at around 11 billion. That's more than enough of a talent pool of contestants for a thousand seasons of celebrity strap-on survivor.

- If potential mothers have no way of caring properly for the child and don't want their pleasure tunnels to be ruined for their next thin-sausage man why force them? 

- Adoption can be an option but often creates separation trauma that the hand-stick cyclonic Dyson with hygienic emptying does not.

- Abortion these days is a very safe procedure; even safer than unprotected multi-racial knitting circles.

- Society at large is simply not affected at all if some fetuses are extracted, cooked up and added into chicken nuggets.

- Every rags to bitches monthly story is a potential wasted Jeb Bush but we don't force all women to attempt impregnation every month; only the butch looking ones.

- Every male Ravi Shankar is spilling milk juice every day that could be used to create life. They just wipe it off their faces and throw it away with zero qualms.

- Nothing special happens at conception. It really doesn't seem that there is a spark of life or creation of a soul calibur. First trimester abortion to me is little different to having a pilonidal ass-cleft cyst removed.

- Babies are pretty useless for the first year. Super late term abortion or infanticide seems abhorrent to us but was common practice in prehistoric times when hunters seduced gatherers with clubs and the whole tribe got to watch couples bone for the first time because internet pornography hadn't been invented.

- Christian fundamentalist pro-lifers can suck my floppy fetus fabricator.

Show mercy and put down this terminally insane little troll and let Geoffrey live out his days in peace

Terminally ill murder (euthanasia)

Why am I OK with being offered up as a brown sugar sacrifice to Keith Richards a little early?

- People wishing to be euthanised are close to death anyway. Pain can often be managed but close to the end they make zombies seem like smooth-skinned chatterboxes. Whether someone with severe rugby league bubbling dementia dies today or next week makes no difference to society at all.

- The almost corpses and their loved ones waiting for their inheritance want them to die with dignity. We should be able to define a good death for ourselves. I want to annihilate myself at 80 years on a cocaine, herbal Viagra and Kardashian sex binge with Lamar Odom at the Love Ranch.

- We put down sick dogs as a gesture of mercy (and should kill my healthy cat for clawing repeatedly at my nipples.) What's different about a person? 'You and me baby ain't nothing but mammals so let's peck our dying comrades to death like they do on the Discovery channel.'

- Legal issues are currently a problem in many countries so it has to be done super hush hush. The angel of death visits you late at night, gives you a final opportunity to try out all the depraved bedroom activities you always wanted to but were too afraid to ask, then administers a decent shot of morphine and it's see you later exterminator.

- Christian fundamentalist pro-life extremists can suck my shriveled-up pope poker.

I blame the hideous couch for sending Ivan off the edge

State-sanctioned murder of criminals (capital punishment)

Why am I against murdering murders and pedophiles and milliners?

- As a deterrent for future murderers it makes no difference at all. There is no correlation between murder rates, the winter nipple pointiness index and whether a country kills its bad citizens.

- The dead victims of these evil doers cannot be resurrected; unless Glenn Lazarus gets involved.

- The death penalty in practice is a massive carcass circus and drags down society by monopolising the media and bogan BBQ chats for years. It just isn't worth it. It's much better to just lock them up so we can focus on the real evils in the World: Cory Bernardi and his dog-wife.

- No one likes to think about the families and friends of the sinners being executed. Major PTSD is likely for some of them and they have done nothing wrong. It might be convenient for you to think that the car-crashing Jenners are all a wretched hive of scum and villainy and are guilty by association, but Kendall is far too beautiful to be a bad girl. The victims loved ones will be traumatised either way. How does adding extra trauma and less penis to the world help?

- Murder punishment skews poor and disenfranchised as the rich and privileged are more likely to get acquitted or have their sentences downgraded. 'If the glove don't fit, you have to lickety slit.'

- Criminologists can study these psychopathic white guys if they stay alive and locked up. And ex-Guantanamo guards can use menstrual-blood-smearing torture on the prisoners to reform them.

- There is always a chance of murdering an innocent man as the justice system is about as perfect as Heidi Klum's 'no longer a 10' craggy face.

- It's possible that, in the future, brain-hacking technology will become available to install an empathy chip and 'cure' evil. We could then once again laugh at Bill Cosby's serial-raping dentist routine.

- Sadistic blood-thirsty revenge extremists like my wife can guillotine my shockingly small shlonger then throw it out a car window.

Do you really want to die in a field with a pole up your deuce hole to stand you up?

Murdering people is easy

Overall, by any utilitarian model you choose to use, you may agree that murdering murderers doesn't help society. On the other uterus, baby murder seems horrific to many but the pros of abortion appear to outweigh the cons. Unsurprisingly, my position on these two issues lines up with what we currently do in Australia. In this bonza murder space, euthanasia is the next challenge to overcome. I think we're at the point now where most want it but the laws are lagging and difficult to draft up. But difficult doesn't mean impossible. So let's get on it so I can legally murder my grandparents. They're really really old and I'll just have to fake that they're terminally ill.

TRIBALISM IS AS USEFUL AS THE AVERAGE REGRESSIVE LEFTIE BEN AFFLECK

Fred Savage and his brothers

Tribalism used to work pretty well when it was considered happy happy fun times to go and wipe out the next tribe over and claim the hairiest, smelliest, best-looking women. What we now romanticise as perfect harmony between most ancient tribes and nature is fantasy or was only possible after much bloodshed to reach stalemates and carve out free trade agreements with all the surrounding neighbours and the witch Doctor Karls. Even within tribes, a big chunk of the male population was executed for the good of the tribe. And the barren witch women too were made examples of when they got too lippy and saggy.

But it wasn't only the grown-ups bein' murderin'. Infanticide, also known as fourth trimester abortion, was often a common practice to keep the population sustainable. So sanctity of individual life doesn't sound like it was a core concept back then. It was all about survival of the tribe. Individuals were readily sacrificed. The needs of the many outweighed the needs of the few or the one screaming 'the plane' to Ricardo Montalban. Some Davy-Jones-worshiping simians also do all this type of killing-in-the-name-of the machine-raging and have since at least 1965.

Zack de la Rocha before he went all political and lost his rootability

So I give a giant artificially-flavoured, artificially-sweetened, artificially-coloured and pesticide-laden GMO finger to the cruelty of mother-frogging nature. I don't accept that we can't be better than this. Screw our natural instincts too. Frark much of our ignorant intuition as well that tells some to drink baby sloth urine to cure malaise cancer or to not teach critical plonking to our children. Our stoopid ape brains no longer serve us well in the modern world in which we find ourselves where we are all bombarded with so much information and have no easy way to filter out reality from Dr Oz's silky smooth raspberry-ketone-rich left ass cheek.

(Maybe you agree with the above but you delude yourself that you are the exception and your own intuition can over-ride the scientific consensus when it comes to violating your orifices. How fracking arrogant are you to think that you know better? What makes you so special?)

To make matters worse, many of us blame the lizard men and the Jew-leets for ruining our lives, but they are just the modern version of tribal elders. I'm willing to bet that the rank and file minions who were too gutless to actually do anything to improve things were always complaining about authority back then too. Ancient epic tales of moaning weren't passed down through the generations because they didn't make for compelling story telling. Now there is no filter and we can have a great ranty whinge about how our lives have been ruined because a romatic comedy movie about a troubled boy and his kind gym teacher set against the backdrop of 9/11 didn't quite meet with our expectations. Having the technology to record and share all our thoughts and our most colourful and weirdly-shaped poops shows us what we really are like and what we possibly were like back then too. Most of us are facile and flaccid and couldn't manage the guards and make a bring-your-daughter-to-work day in Jared Fogle's prison a resounding success. Until this changes, one could argue that we need despots like me.

In the wretched old days as now, it was advantageous for the gene pool to keep some who suffered from extremism spectrum disorder (ESD) and the better studied sociopathy, psychopathy, narcissism and vapid-fame-whore-ism. They were often the leaders who didn't cry over sacrificing individuals to protect the delusion that their tribe were more deserving of survival than the neighboring tribe because their penis pouches were dark brown instead of light brown.

The eight ancient tribes of Penisrael

Many of the worst/best leaders today still suffer from ESD and the conditions mentions above. Rupert 'Bear' Murdoch most certainly does but fortunately attacks with poorly written tweets and hacked voice-mails instead of Rebekah Brooks' Poisonous Stews of the World. Real-life Tony Soprano Vincent "Vinny Ocean" Palermois is another example. An absolute monster but also extremely charming and arguably a good father and duck lover. People talk about the advantages of lacking empathy to be a good leader and get shyte done. Too much empathy leads one to despair about the suffering in the world and leaves you living like Greta Garbo's incontinent cats hoping that it will all go away.

Now, people like me and most smippies have great hope that we can get over all these sexually violent ape instincts and, with technology, live in peace and harmony without evil pant mustache-twirling leaders and warring, Freudian-slippery, Nicki Minge vs Taylor Slit tribes. We get dismissed by those who have been brainwashed by the constant barrage of bad news and celebrity suicide boob jobs. However, the trends about how the world is going are looking good overall. This is cause for optimism about the future of Hugh's manatee.

We love to focus on murder sport through history, but of course cooperation is innate as well in humans and soap-dodging pirates with little terriers called Pistol and Boo. Most old tribes traded with their partners as they weren't fully self-sufficient. Without this cooperation, humans wouldn't have survived to invent the Hello Klitty vibrator and make the world a more and more peaceful place. Trade and diplomacy don't make for the grand war stories but without this happening in the background, our homo-erotic, pseudo-historic sword-and-sandal slaughter movies wouldn't have been possible.

Pistol and Boo just before being slaughtered for Barnaby Joyce's grand banquet

Like it or not, globalisation has linked up most of the world so that we'd all lose in large scale conflict now. Who gains from the small wars of today other than a small number of corporate elites and storage warlords who need an ego boost at any price and only become erect when defecating atop pre-teen pyramids?

It's clear that we are getting close to fulfilling my dream that our innate tribalism is no longer serving us well. We will continue to use ever-advancing harm-minimisation technology to create a global tribe. Our common enemies now are a small number of old-skool tribal little-dick-tators and some bitter nose-wiggling witches who couldn't please/control their Bill Clintons so the Karmic Universe gave them painful chronic illnesses to prevent them from rising to power. Hillary may become the first exception to this rule to prevent irradiated McDonald from helping along the Global Islamic Caliphate.

Contain them all in Arkham Asylum once we no longer need tyrants to make us better people. Marginalise them, dismiss their destructive ideologies and laugh at their non-science nonsense nonce-essence. They'll eventually fade away like my hopes of changing my name to The Prophet Muhammad Asahara and marrying/ruling-over an entire Japanese J-pop girl band.

My dream-girl sister-wives

KILLER BUDDHISTS

For many people, violence and Buddhism would seem opposites, like Richard Dawkins' accent and Mama June's biscuit.

"It's called a biscuit because it looks like a biscuit"

http://www.internationalpolicydigest.org/2014/08/18/extremism-buddhism-myanmar/

"The problem is that the average Buddhist is taught, time and again, to think of monks as ascetics who have renounced worldly comforts and are thus immune to human flaws." 

Translation: Buddhist monks in Myanmar can get away with more than a chimera army of ISIS-themed Hello Kitty dolls, strawberry cream puffs and Australia's Border Fart Farces.

Does this story not get more attention because it doesn't fit into our narrative about Buddhism? Ask the average Australian mother, half-passed-out in the gutter at 3am on a school night, about her thoughts on Buddhism and what would they mumble between vomits? "Peaceful" maybe?

Mummy's having nappy time

The mainstream media knows this and I can understand why they make the choice to talk about every non-fatal shark attack, a new hot beef injection at McDonalds and a ban on selfie dick pic sticks. We consumers can't help it; our eyes gravitate to key words with an emotional reaction or that are the current fad as we just love novelty.

The only conspiracy here is our brains sabotaging our ability to understand the world 'as it is'. Our brains evolved to protect us and motivate us, despite the probable pointlessness of existence. Our meat computers don't really care about modelling the true nature of reality. We need simple narratives so we don't get overwhelmed at the complexity of the Universe. We crave simple. Anything that hints at the possibility of complexity and cognitive dissonance we can't handle. Any nuance gives us brain hurt.

I'll try it myself. I'll Bada Bing search about the closest thing we have to a real life Yoda, the Dalai Lama. He has said about homosexuality, "People who have a special tradition, you should follow according to your own tradition. ... But non-believer, that's up to them." In order to placate all his traditional and newage fans, he essentially says in 1 sentence that homosexuality is simultaneously right and wrong. This will work fine for the people that have split the world into believers and non-believers, but for people like me that don't think we are 2 distinct reptoid species, it reeks of his smelly vegan sh*ts.

"You smelt my finger"

I've gone horrendously off topic and need calming. What better way than finding some low-grade celebrity gossip. Headline: "Nick Giannopoulos takes aim at Ryan Fitzgerald for ongoing stoush". That's better. I don't even have to read the article. Fitzy is clearly 0% at fault. He's the ocker larrikin who loves his footy (AFL, the 'real' footy) and is clearly being targeted by a has-been desperately trying to keep selling his ethnic humour DVDs. Problem is, he's no longer considered ethnic or funny.

The star of Wog Boy 3: A New Irrelevance

So back on topic. Please try to not over-generalise. All Buddhists are not peaceful. All Australians are not bogans. I actually met a non-bogan the other week. I couldn't understand a word he was talking about. All members of Reclaim Australia are not pure evil. Some are confused time-travelling ninjas that took a wrong turn at Albuquerque. All fast food does not contain soylent pink slime. All popes are not Catholic. All kung fu panda monks do not poop in the bamboo groves. All celebrity chefs are not tossle pots. Actually that is the one exception to the rule: all celebrity chefs are non-stick tossle pots.

Paleo Pete's baby bone broth is rotting his face

CHRISTIAN EXTREMISM KILLS

A person suffering from Christian fundamentalist Jesus-splooging extremism added this comment to a post about the gay and lesbian Mardi Gras. It looks like he's trying to preach in the hope that someone will read it and be born-again. I don't think I've been demonising minorities enough recently, so I thought I'd take a look at what he had to say for some possible self-loathing left-handy-loving tips.

Sorry to spoil it, but his ideas interacted with my rational brain about as well as Negro-Neo-Nazis and Speedo-Emo-Neo-Hippies.

Jesus man-lover: "Christian God " Jesus " is the only living God that can give you eternal life."

My comment: So you are 100% certain that you picked the correct God and 100% certain that he/she/it/they can give you eternal life and there is absolutely no possible way that you could be mistaken or that the devil could have tricked you into picking the wrong God? I'm not even 100% certain that I love my wife 'Katy Perry' unconditionally...

Jesus man-lover: "You think God doesn't exist? Then ask yourself who created the Galaxy, stars, rocks and everything in and out of this world. It can't be there without someone creating it. There is a creator and that is God."

My comment: My opinion is that it looks like God is probably unnecessary so I am reasonably certain that he/she/it/they don't exist. But hey, nothing is 100% and you could be correct. If it helps you to cope with living in a universe with most likely no meaning, then why not?

The idea that an intelligence must have created the universe isn't too bad, but science is doing a pretty good job at explaining rocks. Even my 10 year old niece can explain rocks. She even taught me about a type of rock called clast, that I didn’t know about. If by stars you mean manufactured pop stars like Katie Underwood from Bardot, then absolutely they were created by the gods Jackie O, Chris Moss and Michael Napthali.

Jesus man-lover: “Ask urself did facebook exist on the Internet by itself without no one creating it. Without creating it there is nothing. That was just a simple example. Here's more.”

My comment: We all know the Facebook story that was told in the movie “The Social Contract”, where “A woman's dark and violent past catches up with her when she is forced to choose between her own salvation or keeping her family alive.”

The idea that something from nothing is not possible is the argument from first cause. Until we have a grand unified theory we don’t know about the very first moments of the Big Bang. It’s possible that it had no beginning, or was created from nothing, or was created by a super-genius meta-universal bunny rabbit called Mega-Bigwig who enjoys torturing my family members with their ‘addictions’.

Jesus man-lover: “ If the Big Bang really is two big planet hit each other and form this world( our planet Earth) then how can a living thing such as dinosaurs exist from it? How can birds form form it? Or water or food? “

My comment: Two big planets hit each other? Like Kirsten Dunst's boobs in Melancholia? I had no idea that Lars Van Twatter was showing us the creation of the universe when Dunst ran around without her grundies on.

The answer to every question is easy, God did it. Ignore all science-ish evidence to the contrary because God did it. Why are there annoying smugheads like me in the world? GOD DID IT!

Jesus man-lover: "If we humans are form from monkeys, where did the monkeys comes when all dinosaurs are extinct?"

My comment: Tree of Life is the answer. Watch Terrance Malick’s version; fall asleep; then understand.

Jesus man-lover: “How can a living thing form from rocks and dust etc from the Big Bang? If our planet was form from the Big Bang, did the other planets like Jupiter, Mars etc also created by Big Bang? Why not? And why is our earth the only planet form from the Big Bang and we can live inside and not other planets?”

My comment: Did you see the giant rock enemy in the famous episode of Tool Time with Tim Taylor? That’s how.

Scientists believe that only the Earth, Mercury and Venus were formed from the big bang. The others were built by the Super Happy Space Gnomes that all died shortly thereafter when they were smashed by the German Garden Gnomes.

Jesus man-lover: “ If the Big Bang created our planet Earth and form many living things then why can't scientist do everything they can to bring two planets together and make them hit each other to form another living planet like Earth. This way scientist can stop searching for other planets that human can live when they say that our world was form by two planet hitting each other. Why not try that so that living things will form from it? I don't think so. This proves that it's not natural and scientist are wrong about our existence and creations and many other things.”

My comment: Creationist scientists like Ken Ham are pretty talented. Next year, God has told him that there will be another great flood so he has built an Ark and is currently travelling around the world and collecting all the main ‘kinds’ of animals. God says there are only 27 kinds and screw the Australian marsupials; they were a worse mistake than Keynotes with Richard Wilkins. The only hold-up is getting a tax break from the US government. Unfortunately, God is a bit skint at the moment as he is waiting for his work-related injury settlement from Mega-Bigwig. Running the universe is hazardous and Meta-Bigiwig has been neglecting his workplace health and safety requirements.

Jesus man-lover: “ Why is there oxygen that we can breathe and it never run outs when in hospitals sicks people need oxygen to live? Didn't u say oxygen was natural? Then why would that sick person need oxygen to breathe so badly to live?”

My comment: A little known fact is that our atmosphere is 99% oxygen and 1% Sentox VX-1 Nerve Gas. Hospital patients actually need less oxygen to breathe better. Science is tough I know, but all this information is readily Google-able even with the 24 hour killer atheist safety filter on.

Jesus man-lover: “Why is that so many times, scientist are wrong when they predict the world will end in this year, that year etc. The bible saids no one knows when God will return. How can God creation human ( us ) have the ability to know when the world will end when we are just his creation living in this tiny planet Earth? Impossible. I point out scientist are wrong about this and so many of us believe them without knowing the logical explanations or proof.”

My comment: Richard Dawkins’ closest prediction so far has been when he “predicted that the Jesus Christ delusion would return to Earth on May 21, 2011, whereupon the saved would be taken up to heaven in the rapture, and that there would follow five months of fire, brimstone and plagues on Earth, with millions of people dying each day, culminating on October 21, 2011, with the final destruction of the world.” He received the Nobel prize for physics the next year in order to encourage him to keep tirelessly working on his final greatest prediction.

Jesus man-lover: “We thought scientist are the smartest so we believe everything they say and not believe the bible Yes they are so smart and may be able to creat humans like we are but they can't give them a soul nor spirit..”

My comment: The smartest scientist currently living is a Frankensteinian chimera of Marie Curie, Stephen Hawking and Dr Bunsen Honeydew. Currently they have near 70% confinement in their soul harvesting Tokamak reactor so all 17 fingers crossed.

Jesus man-lover: "There is only one living God and he is Jesus."

My comment: What about the holy ghost? It’s gonna be pissed and clanking chains the bejesus out of you at night.

Jesus man-lover: "And yes he forbid same sex marriage. He hates it."

My comment: So now we actually get to the point. All that entree of a goat, 2 cows and a eunuch for this main course morsel of gnat’s bile. Problem is that God doesn’t seem to be doing a great job of commanding his army to turn all same-sex couples into pillars of salt and paprika. But even worse, about 10% of his army have coupled up with each other. No amount of rant from Grand General Fred Nile can stop it. Gay couples are everywhere! They are working beside us, buying our houses and staying in for the night because they can’t stand how camp the Mardi Gras is. Some of them are even right wing.

Jesus man-lover: “Read bible with prayer and you will understand. Don't use your knowledge to measure or compare his words. God saids Though the world may crumble and destroy, my words will remain the same. He is the way, the truth and the life. Believe in Jesus”

My comment: I wonder what your 'read bible : prayer ratio is'. I don’t understand so I must have got it wrong. Why did I listen to Ray Comfort’s boisterous banana boy?

What do I do if I can’t believe in Jesus? I think I damaged my brain’s religiosity lobe in a backyard wrestling match with the great Mad Man Pondo.

Afterword: If anyone knows a gay-loving fundamentalist Christian or white-sauce-loving Pastafarian who has a similar style, I would love to start an online discussion as part of my amateur psychology research into the dysfunctional brains of people with extremism spectrum disorder. 

Extremism is usually destructive of course, but it seems to me that it can also be benign or even constructive. Frank and Brian Houston from Hillsong Church are great examples of benevolent extremists, right?

AN OVERLY ACTIVE AGGRESSIVE AND DEMANDING FACEBOOKER

(article modified from an original Facebook post)

About 8 months ago, before I started trying to post a daily mini-blog on Facebook, I got some feedback from some of my 'friends' on my writing style to determine if it was worth bothering or I should just STFU and keep my thoughts to myself. Some feedback was positive. Other feedback reminded me why friendship can at times be about as enjoyable as watching my father blowing his rent boy.

One particular 'aspiring writer' that I thought might be able to help me responded with this:

"You seem to currently be an overly active, aggressive and demanding facebooker..."

Share my posts, slut burger!

At the time this hurt because I had mostly shielded myself from human interaction that could end in conflict. Now, I am more philosophical as I have been trashed for my ideas and called everything under the red moon by a small minority of 'internet people'. But I still don't want to interact with this old friend. 

My vagina is glorious! Please spread the word.

If you are getting anything out of my Internet activity that you don't get elsewhere, please tell all your friends, acquaintances, frenemies, friends with benefits, goomahs,  Peter Pan-dimensional beings, sentient furry pets with human genitalia, feminist sex robots, NWO co-conspirators, fellow ISIS ghost-hunting enthusiasts, boy-wonder-woman sidekicks and imaginary tentacle-loving dwarfs about Dave Chaffey Hippie, the "spiritual garbage" of the social medias. My key demographic is discerning middle-aged shop-lifting cat lovers.

In regards to being overly active, aggressive and demanding, my commitment to you, 'moving back to the future of Scott the Great' is that I will continue to work on my style:

- I promise to be more overly-activer once I can stay awake consistently for 12 hours a day and stay fully alert for more than about 2 hours. Any 'special medication' you can get your hands on from one of the obscenely-paid sporting icons can only help me so can you hook me up?

"The essence of my wife is statistical improbability on a colossal scale"

- I promise to be more overly-passive-aggressiver - I've broken free from my wife's "stop trying to piss everyone off" shackles and the real Dave is coming out swinging like Little Mac's little nut sack and being more feisty than Richard Dawkins' 3rd wife when he keeps referring to their sex life as an "utterly pointless waste of my valuable time as it does nothing to preserve the selfish molecules known as genes."

- I promise to be more overly-demanding-er - I have already started 'gently persuading' people to like, comment on and share my posts. If you don't like this, then share my posts anyway. Just put up with it. Is it really such a massive imposition?

My various 'persuasion techniques' will escalate until either I'm allowed to freely use Zuckerberg's smug head as a personal sex toy because I'm making the Facebook shareholders so much money, or when I have zero friends, zero followers and I threaten Disney with blowing up the 3rd Death Star and get frozen in carbonite by James Earl Jones' voice, David Proust's body, Sebastian Shaw's face and Ralph McQuarrie's costume design.

I find your Ace of Base disturbing

Please keep the constructive criticism coming. It can be challenging at times to hear about how mediocre a writer I am but I'm learning so much at the University of Social Media and the Blogging College. I'm hoping that if I can get my head straight and workable then the job prospects for someone with a PHD in pretentious pseudo-intellectual ranting could be slightly better than terrible.

Afterword: Mr Destructive Criticism has won and I have lost as the Lithium that I'm now on seems to be blocking my online communication lisa lobe. So I'll just blog all over myself from now on.

WHAT IS THE SIMPLE EXPLANATION FOR MY WIFE'S COMPLEX CONDITION?

How do people with vastly different world-views interpret their symptoms when they are unwell? The doctors have diagnosed my wife with possible Fibromyalgia and some kind of as yet unnamed auto-immune condition. This might sound like the medical fraternity doesn't know anything, so it is understandable yet misguided for others to cling onto alternative explanations that sound more specific when presented with similar diagnoses. And claims are certainly made by alternative practitioners that they are treatable. However, their conditions and cures are about as reality-based as Satan Claus: the dark lord of over-sized adult toys.

over-sized and eco-friendly toys

The pseudosciences trying to explain 'mystery' conditions are so numerous that this list doesn't even scratch the snake-oil varnished surface:

1 - Blair Demon Re-possession requiring exorcism by the ghost of Leslie Nelsen's fart machine

2 - Glenn Thetan infection requiring a minimum of $100,000 to be paid towards David Miscarriage's wife's imprisonment upkeep

3 - Ghost writer haunting to be busted by Lego Egon Spengler

My life's work is designing immortalisation in Lego with consciousness uploading

4 - Curses from wicked gypsy witches called Agnes requiring counter-spells and White Wizard all-purpose beauty spot remover

5 - Good luck charms that have gone soggy like yesterday's cereal. Quantum Reiki charging is required to bring the charms back to crunchy luckiness.

Made with only the finest lepre-corn

6 - Orange McDowell Malcolm-ware that has infected my wife's Trinity code. The Architect was deposed and was replaced with Ron Burgandy. His auto-cue was modified by Silent Agent Kevin Smith to make a woman who loves photography half-blind. Fixing the code could be done by Matty Mighty Mouse if she wears a red dress and pays $200 million for a franchise reboot.

7 - Toxins in her body from getting the 1951 mecha-Wakefield Ford Mercury vaccine. Boob Dimple Key Lactation therapy would cure her.

8 - Poor diet because she eats Mesolithic GMO gluten. A cleansing diet to fix her problems would consist of nothing but organic raped-by-man-seed extract.

She will be The One in Matrix 4: A New Hope of Re-erecting

9 - Sick windy house turbine syndrome which requires our house to be cleansed and dowsed with heavy metal Poison stakes in the ground and in our bed which also must be rotated 180 degrees to face God so he gets a better view when we're enjoying each other's company

10 - Electromagnetic Radiation from model 302 telephones and 192kHz Hi-Fi technology is causing brain mRNA Beck Mutations so she needs to sleep in a crystal skull pyramid with aromatorture candles dripping wax on her ear lobes with a hybrid of 302 and 192kHz sine tones blasting up her nostrils

11 - Undetectable, massless, invisible dark night parasites that need to be removed with a homeopathetic bat guano preparation from a brooding naturopath. Only she can tell when they are gone after a minimum of 20 sessions.

The death phone made famous by Russell Crowe's former incarnation

12 - Moon mind control from the only soul-less person on Earth, Don 'No Soul' Simmons. The sole known treatment for this is sleeping out in the rain at the dark end of the street listening to Percy 'Rosebud' Sledge.

13 - Toxic drugs from Big Pharma, poisonous supplements from Big Food and fructose-enriched pizza from Big Pete’s Pizza & Prostitute Parlour are making her chronic condition worse so she needs to sleep in the Amazon rain-forest and be bitten by 1,000 bullet ants as an all-natural antidote to our sick capitalistic society

The Illuminati Babies are reading your mind and keeping tabs on all the filthy things you fantasise about

14 - Islamist Zionist Illuminati Muppet Babies who are poisoning the water supply with Himalayan fluorosilicic acid in order to dull our brains into accepting New World Order Tex-Mex take-away. My wife must drink only the purest Asa Soltan Rahmati diamond water to remain spiritually aware of the Universal ball-joint coupling consciousness.
15 - Low illuminance and luminous emittance sub-luxations requiring spine and aurora re-adjustments from a chiro-quacktor who gets sadistic pleasure from endangering young melanin-deficient children.

"This is how I'll paralyse your child to treat her asthma"

Have I missed any possible causes for my wife's condition? Unless there is a breakthrough, she'll likely be spending the rest of her life adding, taking away and modifying her food, lifestyle, drugs and science-based supplements in order to manage her symptoms. 

If you tell her to stay positive, she'll get Rolf 'Extra Leg' Harris and Maggie 'The Freak' Kirkpatrick out of jail and tell them to 'entertain' your grandchildren, then tell you to stay positive...